Scratch

ProgramCAT wrote:

Cool, but slightly confusing...

Thanks.  I'll try and fix that.  I was only looking for what people would find in the writing style - because my writing style confuses me to! 

bananaman114 wrote:

He was walking quickly so he didn't get any scars? ewat

His father isn't the nicest....

The whole idea of reading about mountains, or any other sort of landscape, at the beginning of a story instantaneously bores me, personally.

Magmawulf wrote:

soupoftomato wrote:

The whole idea of reading about mountains, or any other sort of landscape, at the beginning of a story instantaneously bores me, personally.

The teacher always says description 

I write with the smallest amount of description.
I just can't describe well, really.
I tend to focus on humorous aspects, and the main story.
But most of my stories are humorous.

And description is easily to overlong for me to want to read.
It's hard.
Harry Potter has like, the perfect amount for me. Which basically means it doesn't use cliche overly dark macabre words to describe everything.

Or cliche over large happy words.

Garr8 wrote:

a place called Randula? Im guessing the setting is based off of India.

actually, the name was based off:
Randula-Koswatte. 

Garr8 wrote:

Magmawulf wrote:

Garr8 wrote:

a place called Randula? Im guessing the setting is based off of India.

actually, the name was based off:
Randula-Koswatte. 

what culture is that from?

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Randula-Koswatte     Sri-lankan 

Im sorry, but the book doesnt make me want to keep me reading. It's really boring...

bananaman114 wrote:

Magmawulf wrote:

bananaman114 wrote:

He was walking quickly so he didn't get any scars? ewat

His father isn't the nicest....

well perhaps that should be elaborated on later and left out in the beginning
(that didn't mean to come off as rude by the way)
or maybe uh
it could be elaborated on in the beginning but I wouldn't do that myself
all depends on your style 

+1

Also
Turgan
Unless unusual names are common where he's from in his country/planet/world
I don't know
It doesn't work when it's like " 'Hey, Turgan!' John said"

Magmawulf wrote:

Wickimen wrote:

bananaman114 wrote:

well perhaps that should be elaborated on later and left out in the beginning
(that didn't mean to come off as rude by the way)
or maybe uh
it could be elaborated on in the beginning but I wouldn't do that myself
all depends on your style 

+1

Also
Turgan
Unless unusual names are common where he's from in his country/planet/world
I don't know
It doesn't work when it's like " 'Hey, Turgan!' John said"

Hahaha.  It's usual.  His father is Toran, and his mother is Pgin 

I would put a vowel between the P and the G in Pgin because that's really weird to say

soupoftomato wrote:

Magmawulf wrote:

Wickimen wrote:

+1

Also
Turgan
Unless unusual names are common where he's from in his country/planet/world
I don't know
It doesn't work when it's like " 'Hey, Turgan!' John said"

Hahaha.  It's usual.  His father is Toran, and his mother is Pgin 

Toran? 

Most boys end with an 'An'
The rest will be explained when I redesign the story layout . 

bananaman114 wrote:

Magmawulf wrote:

Wickimen wrote:

+1

Also
Turgan
Unless unusual names are common where he's from in his country/planet/world
I don't know
It doesn't work when it's like " 'Hey, Turgan!' John said"

Hahaha.  It's usual.  His father is Toran, and his mother is Pgin 

I would put a vowel between the P and the G in Pgin because that's really weird to say

That would beat the whole point of the name.     However, if you think about it, when you say it, it does sound like 'Pigin' 

@soupoftomato: Oops.  Just saw that - I'll change it right now! 

ssss wrote:

Story:
As the sun slowly crept behind the Randula mountain range, Turgan began to worry he was going to be late to get home.  He started to quicken his pace so he didn’t receive many scars which would prevent him from going to work the next day.  Minding the cattle was a very time-taxing job, so he always got places late, except when the cattle decided that doing things quickly would benefit them.

Sorry, I haven't gotten very far.  I'm still working on it, I was just looking for opinion! 

had do u make the white box surrounding the story?