Scratch

Wickimen wrote:

*long  *



All in all though, I liked it, and I would love to see the next part 

Thanks!
About the numbers, I learned that you didn't spell them out from numbers 10+ 

Wickimen wrote:

imnotbob wrote:

Wickimen wrote:

*long  *



All in all though, I liked it, and I would love to see the next part 

Thanks!
About the numbers, I learned that you didn't spell them out from numbers 10+ 

My English teacher always said 100+

My teacher said 10+.

PlutoIsHades wrote:

Wickimen wrote:

imnotbob wrote:

Thanks!
About the numbers, I learned that you didn't spell them out from numbers 10+ 

My English teacher always said 100+

My teacher said 10+.

Twenty two septillion, thirty four sextillion, eighty six quintillion, forty three quadrillion, ninety seven trillion, sixty six billion, seventy eight million, two hundred thousand, fifty five.

Give or take proper words and format!

I love it! Write more.

Wickimen wrote:

Sometimes indents aren't there, but that could just be from the word program you use“...and please watch over my dearest Elaine’s soul. Amen,” Mr. Brown said in prayer, before he lay down to sleep on the night of October 3rd, 1994. Mr. Brown was a very wealthy thirty-four-year-old man who had lost his wife a year ago. She had died in a car crash, but he had refused to accept it. Every night after the day she died, he would wait for her to come home. He would sleep on the couch near the front door of his grand mansion, but she would never return. Eventually, he gave up. Deep down, he had known she was gone from the start. Mr. Brown was now a man with nothing but his seven wonderful and obedient twelve-year-old septuplets (Tara, Barbara, Caitir, Caitlin, Gabby, Jenna, and Mackenzie), multiple people working for him in his insanely large mansion, and his billions of dollars. Mr. Brown shut his eyes and soon was sleeping like a baby.
    A sinister laugh echoed in the hallway. The door to Mr. Brown’s dark room slowly opened, and a black figure walked in.
“You have treated me terribly... all my life. And those kids... they were just as bad,” the figure said. Mr. Brown woke up to see a knife coming down at his heart. A small scream escaped his mouth before...
I would suggest a word other than 'clink Clink. The knife hit the ground, crimson red blood dripping from the blade. The person bent down to grab the knife, hearing footsteps running down the hallway. The footsteps were coming closer and closer. The person hid in the closet and heard the door bust open. The mysterious person didn’t notice that they dropped their knife by the bed. The person heard heavy panting. I agree with soup, too much 'the person'
“Are you okay, sir?!” the woman panted. She turned on the light to see Mr. Brown lifeless on the bed, with a stunned expression on his face. Maybe you could describe blood on him, I don't know She was moving to the other side of the bed when something cut her bare foot. She looked down and saw the knife on the ground. She picked up the knife and ran downstairs to her room.
That was close, the shady person thought. They wiped their forehead with a gloved hand.
The next morning, all the headlines said “Rich Man Murdered!”, and the eleven-year-old paper boys they're all eleven? all of them? all screamed, “Rich man murdered! Read all about it in today’s newspaper!” Detective Ellis bought the paper from a boy and thanked him. He got in his car and drove to his office.
Detective Ellis slammed down the newspaper on his desk. Taking a pipe out of his mouth, he said to himself, “Things like this are what get food on my table and money in my pocket. But it’s sad, really, what happens to these poor people.” Ellis headed straight out to the mansion. Wow, a mansion. So many possible suspects. So many places to inspect, he thought.
Bzzt! The sound of the doorbell echoed through the unusually quiet house.
    “Kids, I have to get the door, continue working, please. You have a test tomorrow!” the children’s nanny said. She got up from her desk and went to the door. She looked through the peephole and saw a man wearing the clothing of a detective. maybe you could describe what the typical clothes of a detective looks like? I'm not sure what that means, clothing of a detective She typed in the security code, opened the door, and said, “Come in.”
“Good day to you, ma’am,” Detective Ellis said.
“And a good day to you, sir.”
“Thank you.”
“Nobody called a detective yet, how did you find out about... you know...?”
“It’s in all the papers. You do realize everybody in the house is a suspect, don’t you?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Have you told his children?”
“Not yet, sir.”
“They’ll find out sooner or later, you know.” The nanny thought about this, then rushed into the living room where the children were being homeschooled.
“Children! Come, sit.” The children all sat on the couch. “I know you just lost your mother not that long ago, but...” Some of the children were already on the verge of tears. “It pains me to say this, but last night, your father was... murdered.” Some kids cried to what seemed to be no end. Others stood strong, but you could tell they were about to cry. what does that look like?
“By who?” Tara sniffled.
“Well, Tara... we don’t know. There’s a detective here now. He’s going to look for clues to help us find out. Class is dismissed for a few days. No test tomorrow, kids.” All the children rushed upstairs except for Caitir.
“Will he help us?” she asked. She wasn’t crying, but she wanted to.
“We don’t know. But I’m sure he will.” After hearing this, Caitir slowly walked up to her room without a word. When Caitir left, the maid walked in.
“Did I just see the smallest... smile, Nina?” the maid asked the nanny. If you hadn't figured it out at this point it makes it obvious the nanny was the murderer
“No, Mary. You’re seeing things,” the children’s nanny lied.
Confused, the maid said, “Okay...”, and walked away.
In the girls’ room, everything was silent, until Mackenzie heard a faint knock. She tucked her silky brown hair behind her ear and opened the door. “Can I talk to you girls?” Detective Ellis asked.
“Yes,” they all answered.
“Girls, I know it’s hard. You know, the same thing happened to me, but with my mother. My father killed himself to be with her—and I didn’t know anything about my dad until somebody came to my house to tell me two days later. I was ten. Every night in the orphanage, I promised to my mother that I would find out who killed her. Here I am, twenty-seven years later, trying to find out who killed your father.”
“Did you ever find your mother’s murderer?”
“As a matter of fact, yes. It was her maid from many years back. Yeah. The nanny.In her defense, the maid said that she treated her horribly. She got the death sentence for murder not too long ago. It turns out that she was the murderer of many people she worked for.” Mmhmm.
“Oh, goodness...” the girls said.
“The woman was also a great friend of mine. It was sad to find out that it was her that did it.”
“I’m sure it was,” Barbara and Jenna said in unison.
Detective Ellis dabbed his eyes and asked, “Who do you think murdered your father?”
All the girls were silent except for Gabby. “I don’t want to think about who could’ve done it. I mean, we’re so close to everybody in this house, and Dad was, too. Why would anybody have a reason to hurt—or kill—him?”
“I don’t know, honey. But we’re going to find out, okay?” Gabby nodded. “What’s your name, sweetheart?”
“Gabby.” All the while, the nanny was outside the door. She put on some gloves ran to the maid’s room. She got one of the maid’s shoes and threw it where the knife was.
When the nanny was away, Mackenzie said, “I think it was the maid. Dad was always sending her to work, and more often than not, she would curse under her breath about it. We’re not being sent to an orphanage, are we, sir?”
“Maybe so. And no, you won’t be. You have plenty of family and people serving you. They will definitely help you. I’m going to check your father’s room. Stay safe, girls.”
When Detective Ellis walked in Mr. Brown’s room, the first thing he saw was the maid’s shoe and the knife. He took them in for examining and found the maid’s fingerprints on the shoe and doorknob, but none on the knife. He was confused, but he had the maid put in court and arrested for murder. No matter how much she protested, the judge and jury stuck to their decision. Makes the detective look a little thickheaded IMO.
Ellis returned to the house to tell the girls who was guilty. He walked in the room to find all the children missing, except for one, Barbara. She was pretending to be asleep.
Detective Ellis said, “I know you’re awake.” Barbara slowly opened her eyes. She was shaking. She started to get up, but Ellis told her to sit back down. “Tell me what happened.”
Barbara resisted for a moment, then gave in. “Sisters... gone...,” was all Barbara managed to say, before she broke down into tears. She ran to the detective and squeezed him as hard as she could. She was the most timid of them all, and all she knew was that her sisters were gone and she wasn’t there to help.





All in all though, I liked it, and I would love to see the next part 

Aren't all those "had"s major overkill?

"He lost his wife a year ago"
and "He had lost his wife a year ago"
are the exact same, and neither is grammatically
incorrect.

To be honest, saying had makes it sound like
the thing that happened is no longer relevant.
(IMO)