Scratch

PlutoIsHades · 2011-12-20 21:19:37

Okay, this is the prologue of a new story I'm writing. Please give constructive criticism. smile

One

The still form of the mouse Olivia lay in the snow. Near her, her two oldest children lay where they had fallen, dead. But something, a toddler mouse, wriggled in her mother's dead grasp.
The hordes of rats were still stampeding forward. The bodies of the slain mice had been cast aside pitilessly into the freezing snow, the toddler taken for dead.
One middle-aged rat paused beside the bodies, the blood still oozing from the mice's wounds. The rat noticed the little mouse still alive, trying to crawl away. The rat stepped away from the stampeding horde and knelt beside the baby. He looked around, then turned back to the body and the toddler. He picked up the little mouse and pulled his tattered cloak tighter around them both. He slipped quietly away into the woodlands, away from the city from where he'd come.

Wickimen · 2011-12-20 21:44:44

Well, it's kind of short--is that the whole thing?--but:
1. I love the name Olivia tongue
2. I LOVE mice! big_smile
3. Writing is awesome smile
So please continue! yikes

bananaman114 · 2011-12-20 21:50:33

Ok so.
One-
It's just me (It is! Everyone else seems to love it!) but i can't stand reading about animals. I find it super boring. That's just me though. I think I just don't like the environment they're set in.
Two- Olivia the mouse? I swear I've heard of that somewhere... I tend to do that. Whatever, it's a good name for a mouse. big_smile
Three- The actual writing was really quite good. I only have a problem with "The rat noticed the little mouse alive, trying to crawl away." It seems to obvious to me, too blunt. I don't know, but like, I feel like some writers (not you, you rarely do this, only that sentance) feel it is less important to have strongly worded and implied stories then getting the plot across.

Sorry if it came off rough, but that's it. big_smile
I would read more if it wasn't for my usual hatred of animal stories.

Wickimen · 2011-12-20 21:52:38

bananaman114 wrote:
Ok so.
One-
It's just me (It is! Everyone else seems to love it!) but i can't stand reading about animals. I find it super boring. That's just me though. I think I just don't like the environment they're set in.
Two- Olivia the mouse? I swear I've heard of that somewhere... I tend to do that. Whatever, it's a good name for a mouse.
Three- The actual writing was really quite good. I only have a problem with "The rat noticed the little mouse alive, trying to crawl away." It seems to obvious to me, too blunt. I don't know, but like, I feel like some writers (not you, you rarely do this, only that sentance) feel it is less important to have strongly worded and implied stories then getting the plot across.

Sorry if it came off rough, but that's it.
I would read more if it wasn't for my usual hatred of animal stories.

Yeah, I usually don't like reading about animals either, admittedly
But I make an exception for mice
They're one of my geeky obsessions

bananaman114 · 2011-12-20 21:55:11

Wickimen wrote:
bananaman114 wrote:
Ok so.
One-
It's just me (It is! Everyone else seems to love it!) but i can't stand reading about animals. I find it super boring. That's just me though. I think I just don't like the environment they're set in.
Two- Olivia the mouse? I swear I've heard of that somewhere... I tend to do that. Whatever, it's a good name for a mouse.
Three- The actual writing was really quite good. I only have a problem with "The rat noticed the little mouse alive, trying to crawl away." It seems to obvious to me, too blunt. I don't know, but like, I feel like some writers (not you, you rarely do this, only that sentance) feel it is less important to have strongly worded and implied stories then getting the plot across.

Sorry if it came off rough, but that's it.
I would read more if it wasn't for my usual hatred of animal stories.
Yeah, I usually don't like reading about animals either, admittedly
But I make an exception for mice
They're one of my geeky obsessions

tongue
I can't stand cats. Writing about cats, cats as pets, wild cats... hell I'm even allergic to them!
Whatever, write about what you want. I don't critique the plot- often. Or the characters, unless they're very empty, which yours don't seem to be, though it is a prologue. I just care about the writing.

bananaman114 · 2011-12-20 21:58:11

By the way, according to iwl.com you write like Lewis Carroll.

Wickimen · 2011-12-20 21:59:42

bananaman114 wrote:
Wickimen wrote:
bananaman114 wrote:
Ok so.
One-
It's just me (It is! Everyone else seems to love it!) but i can't stand reading about animals. I find it super boring. That's just me though. I think I just don't like the environment they're set in.
Two- Olivia the mouse? I swear I've heard of that somewhere... I tend to do that. Whatever, it's a good name for a mouse.
Three- The actual writing was really quite good. I only have a problem with "The rat noticed the little mouse alive, trying to crawl away." It seems to obvious to me, too blunt. I don't know, but like, I feel like some writers (not you, you rarely do this, only that sentance) feel it is less important to have strongly worded and implied stories then getting the plot across.

Sorry if it came off rough, but that's it.
I would read more if it wasn't for my usual hatred of animal stories.
Yeah, I usually don't like reading about animals either, admittedly
But I make an exception for mice
They're one of my geeky obsessions

I can't stand cats. Writing about cats, cats as pets, wild cats... hell I'm even allergic to them!
Whatever, write about what you want. I don't critique the plot- often. Or the characters, unless they're very empty, which yours don't seem to be, though it is a prologue. I just care about the writing.

Cat stories irk me
Ugh, Warriors
Wild kitties that are so fierce and yet their dialogue is like So-and-so 'mewed', because mewing is like the fiercest thing ever
And it's all about cats bopping around eating mice (Dx) and acting on dramatic prophecies for about 20 books

JJROCKER · 2011-12-20 22:01:15

Great writing! Continue!

Wickimen · 2011-12-20 22:06:36

You should join Story Network

PlutoIsHades · 2011-12-21 05:52:25

Thanks, guys!
Banana- the only fictional character like that I can think named Olivia is that pig in those little-kid books.
Wicki - I love mice too! Though I actually love squirrels more but this would work best with a mouse. And this is really only the prologue, so if you want I'll post the 2nd chapter when I'm done with it.
Thanks for the help, guys!

RedRocker227 · 2011-12-21 05:56:29

JJROCKER wrote:
Great writing! Continue!

calebxy · 2011-12-21 08:24:24

Wickimen wrote:
You should join Story Network

Yes! big_smile Join Story Network! I'm a moderator on there, by the way.

Andres-Vander · 2011-12-21 11:11:56

A bit dark

Wickimen · 2011-12-21 12:59:04

calebxy wrote:
Wickimen wrote:
You should join Story Network
Yes! Join Story Network! I'm a moderator on there, by the way.

It shows you as 'writer', not 'moderator'?

Alternatives · 2011-12-21 13:01:48

Reminds me of the awesome Redwall series I read as a 10 year old.

Memories :D

Medic · 2011-12-21 13:06:28

bananaman114 wrote:
By the way, according to iwl.com you write like Lewis Carroll.

I write like Stephen King. yikes

OnTopic:

I swear I've heard Olivia the Mouse somewhere....

*le googles*

It's from a Disney movie. xP

Last edited by Medic (2011-12-21 13:12:04)

Wickimen · 2011-12-21 13:07:03

Medic wrote:
bananaman114 wrote:
By the way, according to iwl.com you write like Lewis Carroll.
I write like Stephen King.

Where's the site? I'm curious yikes

Medic · 2011-12-21 13:12:44

Wickimen wrote:
Medic wrote:
bananaman114 wrote:
By the way, according to iwl.com you write like Lewis Carroll.
I write like Stephen King.
Where's the site? I'm curious

Google 'I write Like'

It's one of the first results, if not the actual first one. smile

100codelyoko · 2011-12-21 13:20:21

*whistling* Cat hater gonna hate~

Anyways, very good. You managed to lenghten an action to a few sentences. I can't do that! I really enjoy the description.

puppetadventurer · 2011-12-21 13:23:49

bananaman114 wrote:
By the way, according to iwl.com you write like Lewis Carroll.

I write like Dan Brown, whoever that is.

Medic · 2011-12-21 13:28:43

Medic wrote:
Wickimen wrote:
Medic wrote:

I write like Stephen King.
Where's the site? I'm curious
Google 'I write Like'

It's one of the first results, if not the actual first one.

I also know someone who got a signature from Stephen King. They went to Maine for vacation one year and apparently, he was signing his new book, and her mom really wanted it because she's a Stephen King fan.

calebxy · 2011-12-21 13:38:52

Wickimen wrote:
calebxy wrote:
Wickimen wrote:
You should join Story Network
Yes! Join Story Network! I'm a moderator on there, by the way.
It shows you as 'writer', not 'moderator'?

I don't know why it says that, but I am a moderator.

Wickimen · 2011-12-21 15:34:30

Apparently, I write like William Gibson

PlutoIsHades · 2011-12-21 16:18:38

Alternatives wrote:
Reminds me of the awesome Redwall series I read as a 10 year old.

Memories

That was half of my inspiration! Love those books. big_smile

PlutoIsHades · 2011-12-21 16:19:51

If you guys are confused about the mom mouse's name I'll change it. Olivia was the first name that came to mind.

Scratch

archived forums

#1 2011-12-20 21:19:37

New story I'm writing

#2 2011-12-20 21:44:44

Re: New story I'm writing

#3 2011-12-20 21:50:33

Re: New story I'm writing

#4 2011-12-20 21:52:38

Re: New story I'm writing

bananaman114 wrote:

#5 2011-12-20 21:55:11

Re: New story I'm writing

Wickimen wrote:

bananaman114 wrote:

#6 2011-12-20 21:58:11

Re: New story I'm writing

#7 2011-12-20 21:59:42

Re: New story I'm writing

bananaman114 wrote:

Wickimen wrote:

bananaman114 wrote:

#8 2011-12-20 22:01:15

Re: New story I'm writing

#9 2011-12-20 22:06:36

Re: New story I'm writing

#10 2011-12-21 05:52:25

Re: New story I'm writing

#11 2011-12-21 05:56:29

Re: New story I'm writing

JJROCKER wrote:

#12 2011-12-21 08:24:24

Re: New story I'm writing

Wickimen wrote:

#13 2011-12-21 11:11:56

Re: New story I'm writing

#14 2011-12-21 12:59:04

Re: New story I'm writing

calebxy wrote:

Wickimen wrote:

#15 2011-12-21 13:01:48

Re: New story I'm writing

#16 2011-12-21 13:06:28

Re: New story I'm writing

bananaman114 wrote:

#17 2011-12-21 13:07:03

Re: New story I'm writing

Medic wrote:

bananaman114 wrote:

#18 2011-12-21 13:12:44

Re: New story I'm writing

Wickimen wrote:

Medic wrote:

bananaman114 wrote:

#19 2011-12-21 13:20:21

Re: New story I'm writing

#20 2011-12-21 13:23:49

Re: New story I'm writing

bananaman114 wrote:

#21 2011-12-21 13:28:43

Re: New story I'm writing

Medic wrote:

Wickimen wrote:

Medic wrote:

#22 2011-12-21 13:38:52

Re: New story I'm writing

Wickimen wrote:

calebxy wrote:

Wickimen wrote:

#23 2011-12-21 15:34:30

Re: New story I'm writing

#24 2011-12-21 16:18:38

Re: New story I'm writing

Alternatives wrote:

#25 2011-12-21 16:19:51

Re: New story I'm writing

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