Scratch

lilacfuzz101 · 2011-12-10 16:50:51

Hey guys! So my school has a literary magazine and I'm thinking of submitting a poem, but I'd like some more feedback on it.

That Moment

The impossible had occurred.
She loved him!
Loved him
Enough to forget
What he was
And grant the favor
Of a kiss!

But in that moment
His eyes were opened
To all that he had done.
All that he had done
To be undeserving
Of that love.

And in that moment
He also knew
That she would never
Be truly happy like he
Wanted her to be
If she stayed
With him.

So after that moment
He let her go
Wishing her
(in his own way)
The best in life
Though it hurt him to
See his love go
With the other.

He would treasure
That moment
Now and forever
In sickness and health
For the rest of his life
Until death did the
Memory of that moment part.

Thanks smile

RedRocker227 · 2011-12-10 16:52:16

Hm...
I only really like rhyming poems, but that's just me. I'm sure everyone else will like it! smile

nightmarescratcher · 2011-12-10 16:53:06

RedRocker227 wrote:
Hm...
I only really like rhyming poems, but that's just me. I'm sure everyone else will like it!

ProgrammingPro01 · 2011-12-10 16:53:25

Cool poem. smile

brettman98 · 2011-12-10 16:55:08

Very nice.
muy bien.
mucho goodo.

Last edited by brettman98 (2011-12-10 16:55:45)

Vista4563 · 2011-12-10 16:55:38

Good, but I would have broken the lines in different sections in my humble opinion.

The impossible had occurred.
She loved him.
Loved him
Enough to forget what he was
And grant the favor of a kiss.

But in that moment
His eyes were opened
To all that he had done.
All that he had done
To be undeserving
Of that love.

And at that moment
He also knew
That she would never be
Truly happy
Like he wanted her to be
If she stayed with him.

So after that moment
He let her go
Wishing her the best in life
Though it hurt him to see his love
Go with the other.

He would treasure that moment
Now and forever
In sickness and health
For the rest of his life
Until death did the memory
Of that moment part.