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#1 2011-12-07 09:16:56

PlutoIsHades
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-10-18
Posts: 1000+

A Story I Wrote

Hi guys.  I'm posting he beginning of another story I'm writing.  Please constructively critique.  If you like it, I'll post more.


Prologue

    The Castle of Spades is situated on the shores of a vast lake.  Few Spades had ever been far from the castle...before me.
    You may know me as the Jack of Spades.  This is my story.

Chapter One

    Evening's come and the sun's setting.  I run, my bare feet hitting the ground hard as I sprint to the corner of the castle grounds.  There's a tree there, a small, but strong, old one, with many branches.
    My hands grip the lowest branch and I swing myself up onto it.  Grasping a branch at about shoulder height, I climb up nimbly.
    I continue climbing until I'm maybe thirty feet from the ground.  There is a place up here where several branches interlock to form something that resembles a seat.  I climb onto it and sit there, catching my breath.
    I come here every evening.  When I want to be free from the pomp and protocol of the castle.  Here, no one can tell me what to do.  Here, I'm free.
    I know I'm free because the branches sway under my weight, and I am the smallest and lightest in the castle, at thirteen years old.  Don't be fooled, though, I'm one of the fastest and most agile.
    Suddenly, my keen eyes catch a movement below the tree!  I lie flat on the branches, peering down.
    I recognize the figure as the Two of Spades.  He salutes me as he scrambles up the tree.  For a minute I'm startled, then realized how stupid I am to think I'm the only one who can climb this tree.
    I don't know Two's exact age, but he can't be more than sixteen.  In terms of rank, though, he's the lowest of the low.  So, of course, my mom and dad, King and Queen, can't know we are friends.  I don't want another speech on how to behave.  Plus, Two would probably be banished.
    Within a minute, Two is perched next to me.  He swings his legs back and forth over the edge of the branches as we talk.
    "Jack, I was exploring these tunnels below the castle, and guess what I found?"
    "More tunnel."
    A satisfied smile flickers across his face. "I found...a boat!"
    I'm instantly interested.  For a year or two we've both dreamt of sailing away, to be free and explore the unknown...the Lake of Spirits, it's called, for if you look at it for long enough at night, you can see spectral figures drifting across it and hear unearthly moans.
    "Well," Two continues, "It's just big enough for the two of us.  We can go tonight, if you're game."
    "Duh!" I say. "You're awesome.  Where's this boat?"


Minecraft, Redwall, and Cyberchase fan, and PROUD.

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#2 2011-12-07 10:07:54

Alternatives
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-09-16
Posts: 1000+

Re: A Story I Wrote

Its not bad, but I dislike the dialogue slightly.


http://i42.tinypic.com/98vmms.png
Well if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say. I never want to let you down or have you go, it's better off this way.

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#3 2011-12-07 10:39:13

RedRocker227
Scratcher
Registered: 2011-10-26
Posts: 1000+

Re: A Story I Wrote

It's awesome!  smile
(Sorry I couldn't be more constructive, I couldn't find anything wrong with it!)


Why

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#4 2011-12-07 10:49:12

calebxy
Scratcher
Registered: 2009-12-31
Posts: 1000+

Re: A Story I Wrote

It's very good.  smile


I'm making my own Doctor Who series!  big_smile  See the first episode here.
And please join Story Zone!  big_smile

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#5 2011-12-07 11:47:26

Andres-Vander
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-09-16
Posts: 1000+

Re: A Story I Wrote

Reminds me of the song Jack of Spades


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#6 2011-12-07 16:57:36

PlutoIsHades
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-10-18
Posts: 1000+

Re: A Story I Wrote

Thanks!

Alt - which lines do you think need revising, and what would you suggest?  I'm open to ideas.  smile


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#7 2011-12-07 17:00:10

nightmarescratcher
Scratcher
Registered: 2011-10-10
Posts: 1000+

Re: A Story I Wrote

[claps]

50 YEARS IN THE FUTURE....


1: hey, remember that epic book plutoishades made?
2: aw yeh. i cant believe he made 850000000000 copies!
1: lol, thats more than the world's population!


http://fc07.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2011/171/f/3/derpy_hooves_derp_sig_by_alicehumansacrifice1-d3jg613.png

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#8 2011-12-07 17:02:59

RedRocker227
Scratcher
Registered: 2011-10-26
Posts: 1000+

Re: A Story I Wrote

nightmarescratcher wrote:

[claps]

50 YEARS IN THE FUTURE....


1: hey, remember that super brilliant fantastic awesome amazing epic book plutoishades made?
2: aw yeh. i cant believe he made 850000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 copies!
1: lol, thats a trillion more than the world's population!

Fixed!  big_smile

Last edited by RedRocker227 (2011-12-07 17:04:09)


Why

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#9 2011-12-07 17:03:44

nightmarescratcher
Scratcher
Registered: 2011-10-10
Posts: 1000+

Re: A Story I Wrote

RedRocker227 wrote:

nightmarescratcher wrote:

[claps]

50 YEARS IN THE FUTURE....


1: hey, remember that super amazing epic book plutoishades made?
2: aw yeh. i cant believe he made 850000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 copies!
1: lol, thats a trillion more than the world's population!

Fixed!  big_smile

lol


http://fc07.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2011/171/f/3/derpy_hooves_derp_sig_by_alicehumansacrifice1-d3jg613.png

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#10 2011-12-07 17:26:49

PlutoIsHades
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-10-18
Posts: 1000+

Re: A Story I Wrote

nightmarescratcher wrote:

RedRocker227 wrote:

nightmarescratcher wrote:

[claps]

50 YEARS IN THE FUTURE....


1: hey, remember that super amazing epic book plutoishades made?
2: aw yeh. i cant believe she made 850000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 copies!
1: lol, thats a trillion more than the world's population!

Fixed!  big_smile

lol

Fix'd!

Lololol.

I wish.  lol

Last edited by PlutoIsHades (2011-12-07 17:27:17)


Minecraft, Redwall, and Cyberchase fan, and PROUD.

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#11 2011-12-07 17:39:44

Wickimen
Scratcher
Registered: 2009-08-02
Posts: 1000+

Re: A Story I Wrote

Cool  smile


xDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

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#12 2011-12-07 21:27:01

PlutoIsHades
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-10-18
Posts: 1000+

Re: A Story I Wrote

Bump!


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#13 2011-12-07 21:44:00

MrMokey
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Registered: 2009-05-06
Posts: 1000+

Re: A Story I Wrote

I think it is good, but I don't like the word unearthly used there.


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#14 2011-12-08 16:37:32

PlutoIsHades
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-10-18
Posts: 1000+

Re: A Story I Wrote

MrMokey wrote:

I think it is good, but I don't like the word unearthly used there.

Thanks.  What word would you suggest instead of unearthly?


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#15 2011-12-08 17:26:01

PlutoIsHades
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-10-18
Posts: 1000+

Re: A Story I Wrote

Bumpity!


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