Scratch

Believe me, I would have added this to one of my previous topics, but i couldn't. I asked for one in particular to be reopened, and that was yesterday, but it hasn't yet.    So anyway, here a new topic for it.    This is the climax to The Magic Bath 2. I don't think this is very good, but I want to get your opinions on it. And bear in mine that I wrote this a few years ago, when I was 11, I think.
Please rate it out of ten. 

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“What about Peter?” Jeff asked.
“Don’t worry; he’s on the ship too. And he should be joining us soon. Activate the hyper-drive!” he shouted to the crew.

Several of the crew members pressed buttons on their desks, and everything outside the windows was a blur.

Jeff sat down at a seat somewhere, and waited. Soon after, Peter came into the room with Rizor, wearing a red battle suit.

“Hello,” said Peter.
“Hi,” replied Jeff.

Suddenly, everything outside the windows returned to normal. They’d slowed down to how they were before.

“We’ve arrived,” said Nazrok.

Suddenly, something that looked like a meteorite zoomed past them!

“That’s it! That’s the bomb!” shouted Nazrok. “Rizor, you take Jeff and Peter to their ships.”

Rizor ran over to a door in the wall behind them, and opened it. Jeff and Peter ran through it, just behind him. They entered a room with many space ships in. Rizor ran over to a black ship.

“Get in,” he said to Jeff and Peter, as he opened the glass hatch. “It’s a stealth ship. One of the best. I’ll be in this blue one,” he said as he ran to another ship.

Jeff and Peter climbed in, and then closed the glass hatch. Suddenly, without a hint of warning, the floor dematerialized, releasing Jeff, Peter, Rizor and all other pilots in this battle, into space.

“I’ve got the controls,” Jeff said to Peter.
“Then what do I do?” Peter asked.
“You can be my lookout. Tell me who’s where and all that.”
“Well, there are about five enemy space ships behind you, one of which is the Mother Ship, I presume.”
“What?!” exclaimed Jeff.
“But ignore them. Just go for the bomb.”

Jeff did just that, and full throttled it straight to the bomb. They managed to go a lot faster than it, and within seconds, they had it in sight.

“Fire!” shouted Peter.

Jeff pressed as many buttons as he could find, firing light waves, lasers and missiles. But just before they hit the bomb, they instantly evaporated!

“It must have some sort of shield,” said Jeff.

“Then this is hopeless! What are we going to do,” Peter asked.

Jeff thought for a moment, before saying:

“Don’t worry. I have an idea.”

Jeff accelerated as fast as the ship would go, heading straight for Wales.

Rizor watched as Jeff and Peter flew past the bomb, wondering what they were doing. He then turned to his left, and saw several missiles about 100 meters in front of him, head towards him at tremendous speed. He didn’t have any time to react. The missiles hit his space ship before more than a single thought had crossed his mind.

Rizor collapsed on the floor inside the command centre, next to Nazrok. The captain looked down at him.

“You died?” he asked.

Rizor took off his helmet and threw it at the wall in anger. The Zaloks’ space ships had a teleportation device that teleports the pilot back to a preprogrammed place when it detects a fatal incident about to happen.

Jeff flew the space ship through the atmosphere, while explaining his plan to Peter.

“That is a really good plan. But you need to hurry,” Peter said.
“I really need a computer to help me, like in the bath. If only this ship had one.”
“Hello,” said a computerized voice.

Jeff breathed a sigh of relief.

“Computer?” Jeff asked.
“That is correct,” answered the computer. “I am the computer for this space ship. What may I do to help?”
“I’ll go into the sea, and then you can scan it, or whatever, and find the Zaracothco Cube,” Jeff told it.
“Understood. But there is something I must tell you first.”
“What’s that?” Jeff asked, as they dived into the sea.
“This space ship’s engines won’t work under water.”

Jeff opened his mouth to speak, but he couldn’t. The space ship slowly sunk down, into the sea.

“Just do the scan,” Peter said.

It took just 2 seconds for the computer to scan the sea four miles around them.

“I have found it,” the computer told Peter.
“Good. Where is it?” he asked.
“It is 400 feet below us, and 80 feet in front of us.”
“That’s good,” said Peter, trying to be cheerful. “Can you steer us in the right direction, even without the engines?”
“Yes I can,” the computer replied.

The computer tilted the space ship up slightly, causing them to slowly drift forward as they were sinking.

“Land us on the seabed just in front of it.”

After about 20 seconds, the space ship hit the seabed, and stopped.

“Is there some kind of device on the back of the space ship that can grab on to the Zaracothco Cube?” asked Peter.
“Yes,” answered the computer.
“Well then, do it.”

A small metal plate attached to a robotic arm slowly extended out of the space ship, and fused itself to the Zaracothco Cube.

“Great,” said Peter. “Now this is where it gets tricky. Will all the electronics in here stop working if they get wet?”
“No,” the computer replied.
“Good. And are these suits water-proof?”
“Yes.”
“Brilliant. Now dematerialize the roof.”
“What?!” exclaimed Jeff.
“We need to stand this ship on its nose.”
“Why?” Jeff asked.
“I have a plan. And don’t argue. It can’t be any worse than your plan, can it?”

Next Chapter:


The bomb was now hurtling through the atmosphere, with nothing to stop it. All the Zaloks’ small battle ships had been destroyed by the Telmons. The bomb finally reached the ground, but just before it hit, it activated a Particle Oscillation Controller laser, turning everything in front of it into air.

Jeff and Peter were outside their space ship, pushing it up, onto its nose. It hugely helped that they were in water. They balanced it carefully, and then quickly jumped back inside. The glass roof rematerialized, and the space ship vented all the water back outside.

“Fire all missiles!” Peter shouted.
“Oh, I get it now,” Jeff said, just before the computer fired every single missile the space ship had. The shockwave blasted the ship out of the water.

“It worked!” Peter shouted, as they rocketed out of the water! “Jeff! Turn on the engines and get us out of here!”

Jeff needed no persuasion. He turned on the engines and accelerated to full speed. Just as they left the atmosphere, Earth disappeared.

“You might want to look behind you,” the computer suggested.

Jeff and Peter both turned around, and froze.

“Where’s Earth?” Peter asked, after a few seconds of speechlessness.
“The bomb,” replied Jeff. “It destroyed Earth.”
“That does not matter,” the computer said. “You have the remaining section of the Zaracothco Cube.”

Jeff turned around, and continued piloting the ship towards Nazrok’s command ship.

“All the Telmons have gone,” Peter observed.
“You say that like it’s a bad thing,” Jeff relied.
“I’m just mentioning.”

They finally got to the command ship, and the underneath opened. They flew inside, and then the underneath closed again. Jeff gently landed the ship, and they could see Nazrok and Rizor standing in front of them. The glass roof dematerialized, and Jeff and Peter jumped out.

“How did it go?” Nazrok asked.
“We didn’t stop the bomb,” said Peter. “But, we did manage to get this,” he continued, while walking round to the back of the ship.

They all followed him and saw what it was. The remaining section of the Zaracothco Cube!

“Fantastic!” Nazrok shouted. “Rizor, get some men down here and go with them to retrieve the bomb, and get Earth back to normal, using that,” he continued, pointing to the Zaracothco Cube.

Rizor briefly spoke into his radio, and then climbed into his space ship.

Then Nazrok turned to Jeff and Peter.

“Excellent work,” he said. “Come with me.”

He walked over to a door, which automatically opened, and Jeff and Peter followed. They were back in the command centre. Then Zaracothco spoke again.

“We’ll wait for Rizor to come back with the bomb, and then we’ll take you home.”
“What happened to the Telmons?” Peter asked.
“They left after they destroyed all of our battle ships. But when we get the bomb, we will use their own technology against them, and force them to surrender.”

After five minutes of waiting, Rizor was back with the bomb, and Earth was back to normal.

“Right then, let’s go,” Nazrok said.
“There’s just one thing that still needs sorting out,” Jeff said. “We haven’t got out space ship bath now.”
“Ah yes, that,” Nazrok replied. “But don’t worry. I’ll just give you another ship, and program it to be a bath when it’s in your house.”
“Thank you,” Jeff said.
“You’ll want the same ship as before?” Nazrok asked.
“Yes please.”

It took Nazrok little over five minutes to find and program a Star-Cruiser Model Z.

“All done,” he said, cheerfully.

Jeff and Peter climbed in.

“What button do I press to go home?” Jeff asked Nazrok.
“The big silver one to the left.”
“Thanks.”
“Goodbye,” Peter said, just before Jeff pressed the button.

And with that, they were home.
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I'll start with the ratings:

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Last edited by calebxy (2011-12-06 11:28:33)