Scratch

Infodumping is bad, yo.
So don't do it, yo.

soupoftomato wrote:

GameCentral wrote:

bananaman114 wrote:

Err.
That was a major infodump, and saying it wasn't doesn't change that.
It's like pointing at a cat and saying "That is not a cat."
It doesn't work!

so
is that an excerpt of the actual story?
I want to make sure I've got this down before I nitpick.

Fine, then it's an infodump on PURPOSE!!!!

this is the un-edited(officially) version of chapeter 1, I am STILL WRITING, seriously like every night now!

Don't think we are being aggressive (and don't be so defensive back)

Just because you infodumped because some of it is fake doesn't mean you should infodump.

The kids could still have dialogue and scenes telling them this stuff (even if they are being lied to)



(One does not simply publish a book based on a single teacher's opinion)

No, well, i wanted to start writing, then get my stuff published, my teacher just told me that I SHOULD! she will be my editor. Sorry abount the infodump, (and for being over-defensive) i just like that way of writing. if you so strongly think i should change it, i might consider trying to. I DO VALUE THESE AND ALL CRITISISMS!!!!!!

Last edited by GameCentral (2012-05-29 21:10:36)

I'm publishing a book too! "The Dark Land of Immortaia". I wont post it here because I'm really paranoid about people stealing my work (I've been working on it for over 2 years), regardless of whether its copyrighted or not, I'll wait untill it's published.

ImagineIt wrote:

Good idea! I can publish a book whenever I want because my dad owns a publishing company though... 

wow! you lucky person!

I've thought once or twice about publishing my writings. Then I never finish them.

TakeItEasy wrote:

GameCentral wrote:

Fine, then it's an infodump on PURPOSE!!!!

That's the worst excuse I have ever heard for bad writing.

sorry, it's just the way i like it, i might just edit it in the editing phase. I am going to complete this by mid-june(book 1)

Agg725 wrote:

ImagineIt wrote:

Good idea! I can publish a book whenever I want because my dad owns a publishing company though... 

wow! you lucky person!

ikr.

soupoftomato wrote:

GameCentral wrote:

i am writing a series which i will publish, not really aimed at making money, but more aimed at getting teens to read. my series is called Spellbound. Here is the preview, available exclusively on Scratch:

1
HOW IT ALL BEGAN

It must have been years since any of them saw their parents. Michael, Tommy, Gren, William and Elliot I think you are spelling Micheal wrong, also, is Gren female or are there none? were all that was left of the great legacy of their people. Though they all lived in Washington, it was not their home; it was where they were sent. Sent to save their lives. Home was far. Far beyond the hills, valleys and seas, home wasn’t even in this world. Home was in a whole other place known only by the sole name they could remember or find. The Planes. A lot of this description could be shown in dialogue too, though I kind of like it as is.

Home was home. This was not. The Planes were home to fairies, monsters and of course Spellbinders. Magicians who casted spells from either one of the four elements or from the very energy of life. Each of the five children had their element. Tommy was water, Gren was earth, Michael was fire, William was air and Elliot was energy. Though they could use any element, they loved one over the others. Just as their people, who lived in peace, mostly. FOUR ELEMENTS, FIVE IN USE! HECKYEAH!

Vague in their memory it was, that day. I don't care how vague you want the descriptions, talking like Yoda: good, it does not The day when darkness consumed The Planes turning all those who tried to fight back into monsters and servants, mindless beasts. Their parents were perhaps the greatest of all the Spellbinders, even throughout the long history of their home. Their parents formed an elite protection group called ‘The 10’. They took on the role of protecting The Planes. Despite their great power, they were powerless when the living incarnation of the Shadow attacked. Elliot’s father, the leader, was lost that day. Winter-caster. Gave himself up, to save the lives of the children. SO MANY FRAGMENTS I AM CONFUSED. Is winter-caster a name and why is it seperate? It could easily be just as effective as "Winter-caster gave himself up"

The full tale, forever in legend explained everything to they themselves who were only 5 at the time and would not know much. The history was stored in their do-it-all book ‘Spellbound’. As they matured, they unlocked the story which they wished had remained a secret to them longer. Their parents tragic death was not exactly the story they wanted to read on their 10th birthday, when they uncovered the lost book and embraced their power, which was more difficult to use on Earth. Show don't tell! This would be a beautifully emotional scene. The thoughts of the kids as they read more and more of the gruesome details of their parents death. You could even have one read it aloud piece by piece and SHOW reactions in between. (E.g. Instead of "Michael looked heartbroken" it could be "Tears erupted from Michael's face as Gren continued to drone on with the story."

Twas the darkest of all days, ever at all seen in the peaceful Planes. A day not to soon be forgotten. The day started like any other, the living 5 incarnations of ‘The Light’, who were those 5 children of only age 5; Michael, Tommy, Gren, William and Elliot, were in the castle. Then at mid-day, the sky turned black. A dark shadowy smoke filled the air, engulfing the land. Armies of creatures marched to the castle, their mission known to all, ‘kill the children’. ’The 10’ had to protect their children from this evil. The Light was the source of all the power, matched only by the Shadow. Spell after spell, it felt like it would never stop. Their parents did try their best, but they eventually came to their last resort. Winter-Caster, Elliot’s father, reached for the book, Spellbound. The book that could do anything. He read a spell, then handing the book to Elliot, stepped back and right before the eyes of the children, became a portal. He had sacrificed his power to create a portal to the magic-less parallel world. Elliot’s Mother ushered them into the portal, which disappeared right as Elliot walked in. The children were safe, gone far away. The 10 fought on, but were defeated and imprisoned by the one who was the incarnation of the Shadow, a 6 year old boy named Mark. Mark turned all the people to servants, and imprisoned in bronze statues, The 10. SHOW this scene too! Have dialogue and emotions. Flashbacks are your friend. You could tell these "key moments' being spilled in the opening in several chronological flashbacks. HECK, you could use Spellbound memories (that they get on their bithdays apparently) as a plot device to periodically give some background information.

Overall, I would say this excerpt is extremely infodumpy. Stuff should be revealed through more realistic means than absolute omniscience. Instead of "their mission was known to all" maybe later you could show a scene with the army marching forward and have someone get distracted and have their commander be like "Need I remind you that our mission is to kill the children, NOT smell the daisies > " Also, you completely butchered the idea of intentional fragments. Almost more than every other one is a fragment. The story is interesting though, it may not be the most unique but I would like to know what else happens and the plot seems the best part right now.

Also, most authors sell about 100 copies. Don't expect to become the next J.K Rowling Famous Name and being the next big thing in encouraging teens to read.

(s)he's spelling Michael correctly.

very cool!  I wish the best for you and your book!   If you can't find a publisher, createspace.com, or lulu.com is a great way to publish it yourself!

spongebob123 wrote:

um well i agree with what the others said

also try to add a girl character whos not useless

Yes please.
I know it's harder to write girls (actually no I don't but y'know, trying to emphasise here) but you have unrealistic proportions. Unless the Planes is an all male society, there'd have to be some women, and unless it is the opposite to Earth there would be more women then men. 

Wickimen wrote:

illusionist wrote:

One does not simply, *decide* to publish a book. 

Unless they're self-publishing possibly

I think he means that you have to write it first...

slinger wrote:

Wickimen wrote:

illusionist wrote:

One does not simply, *decide* to publish a book. 

Unless they're self-publishing possibly

I think he means that you have to write it first...

Oh; I'd said that under the assumption that the book was already written

What are you gonna use?