Scratch

Good idea! I can publish a book whenever I want because my dad owns a publishing company though... 

That's not the whole first chapter, right?

GameCentral wrote:

i am writing a series which i will publish, not really aimed at making money, but more aimed at getting teens to read. my series is called Spellbound. Here is the preview, available exclusively on Scratch:

1
HOW IT ALL BEGAN

It must have been years since any of them saw their parents. Michael, Tommy, Gren, William and Elliot I think you are spelling Micheal wrong, also, is Gren female or are there none? were all that was left of the great legacy of their people. Though they all lived in Washington, it was not their home; it was where they were sent. Sent to save their lives. Home was far. Far beyond the hills, valleys and seas, home wasn’t even in this world. Home was in a whole other place known only by the sole name they could remember or find. The Planes. A lot of this description could be shown in dialogue too, though I kind of like it as is.

Home was home. This was not. The Planes were home to fairies, monsters and of course Spellbinders. Magicians who casted spells from either one of the four elements or from the very energy of life. Each of the five children had their element. Tommy was water, Gren was earth, Michael was fire, William was air and Elliot was energy. Though they could use any element, they loved one over the others. Just as their people, who lived in peace, mostly. FOUR ELEMENTS, FIVE IN USE! HECKYEAH!

Vague in their memory it was, that day. I don't care how vague you want the descriptions, talking like Yoda: good, it does not The day when darkness consumed The Planes turning all those who tried to fight back into monsters and servants, mindless beasts. Their parents were perhaps the greatest of all the Spellbinders, even throughout the long history of their home. Their parents formed an elite protection group called ‘The 10’. They took on the role of protecting The Planes. Despite their great power, they were powerless when the living incarnation of the Shadow attacked. Elliot’s father, the leader, was lost that day. Winter-caster. Gave himself up, to save the lives of the children. SO MANY FRAGMENTS I AM CONFUSED. Is winter-caster a name and why is it seperate? It could easily be just as effective as "Winter-caster gave himself up"

The full tale, forever in legend explained everything to they themselves who were only 5 at the time and would not know much. The history was stored in their do-it-all book ‘Spellbound’. As they matured, they unlocked the story which they wished had remained a secret to them longer. Their parents tragic death was not exactly the story they wanted to read on their 10th birthday, when they uncovered the lost book and embraced their power, which was more difficult to use on Earth. Show don't tell! This would be a beautifully emotional scene. The thoughts of the kids as they read more and more of the gruesome details of their parents death. You could even have one read it aloud piece by piece and SHOW reactions in between. (E.g. Instead of "Michael looked heartbroken" it could be "Tears erupted from Michael's face as Gren continued to drone on with the story."

Twas the darkest of all days, ever at all seen in the peaceful Planes. A day not to soon be forgotten. The day started like any other, the living 5 incarnations of ‘The Light’, who were those 5 children of only age 5; Michael, Tommy, Gren, William and Elliot, were in the castle. Then at mid-day, the sky turned black. A dark shadowy smoke filled the air, engulfing the land. Armies of creatures marched to the castle, their mission known to all, ‘kill the children’. ’The 10’ had to protect their children from this evil. The Light was the source of all the power, matched only by the Shadow. Spell after spell, it felt like it would never stop. Their parents did try their best, but they eventually came to their last resort. Winter-Caster, Elliot’s father, reached for the book, Spellbound. The book that could do anything. He read a spell, then handing the book to Elliot, stepped back and right before the eyes of the children, became a portal. He had sacrificed his power to create a portal to the magic-less parallel world. Elliot’s Mother ushered them into the portal, which disappeared right as Elliot walked in. The children were safe, gone far away. The 10 fought on, but were defeated and imprisoned by the one who was the incarnation of the Shadow, a 6 year old boy named Mark. Mark turned all the people to servants, and imprisoned in bronze statues, The 10. SHOW this scene too! Have dialogue and emotions. Flashbacks are your friend. You could tell these "key moments' being spilled in the opening in several chronological flashbacks. HECK, you could use Spellbound memories (that they get on their bithdays apparently) as a plot device to periodically give some background information.

Overall, I would say this excerpt is extremely infodumpy. Stuff should be revealed through more realistic means than absolute omniscience. Instead of "their mission was known to all" maybe later you could show a scene with the army marching forward and have someone get distracted and have their commander be like "Need I remind you that our mission is to kill the children, NOT smell the daisies > " Also, you completely butchered the idea of intentional fragments. Almost more than every other one is a fragment. The story is interesting though, it may not be the most unique but I would like to know what else happens and the plot seems the best part right now.

Also, most authors sell about 100 copies. Don't expect to become the next J.K Rowling Famous Name and being the next big thing in encouraging teens to read.

Last edited by soupoftomato (2012-05-28 11:52:47)

Perhaps you could vary your sentence structures a little more?

I love the story and idea, but the chapter as a whole is a huge info dump.  Spread out your information!  The reader doesn't need to know everything that happened in the past in the first page of the story!
Other than that, it's really interesting.  Poor kids!     
If you get it published, tell us and I'll be looking for a copy in the bookstores!

haha, sorry, I just found it amusing.

illusionist wrote:

One does not simply, *decide* to publish a book. 

Unless they're self-publishing possibly

Is that all you have or something? How are you going to publish that?

jslomba wrote:

Andres-Vander wrote:

Is that all you have or something? How are you going to publish that?

they said it was a preivew for scratch

I must've missed that. How long is the entire thing in words?

How about starting it more like this;
'It was years since they'd seen their parents. Back when they were on their planet, they were just a small part of a great race. Now, the five children were all that was left of that mighty race.
'They had lived in a small apartment in Washington for a while now, almost a year. Gren supposed it was time to get a move on, but she liked the place and it would be such a bother packing and unpacking everything.
'"Tommy," she called, gesturing to her brother, "it's time for bed."
'As the second eldest, she had taken a parental role. Michael was good for nothing these days after he'd descended into a coma state. He was getting better, but Gren knew he'd never be the same as he was back in the Planes; that rogue...
'"Story first!" Little Tommy demanded, breaking into her daydreams.'
Um... yeah, you get the idea. Gren is incredibly stereotypical the way I've written her, and there is no way she should be like that. But the way you've written the chapter makes it a long infodump, and in no way would that inspire teens to read. 

Lots of stuff I want to say;

1) Gren is a boy
2) this is a Scratch exculusive PREVIEW of my book
3) this is going to be book one in a series of books
4) i am NOT done yet.
5) It is going to be published, sadly, only in my country first, however, i am going to hide the whole book on scratch cause i love all scratch things and scratchers.
6) the spelling of "michael" is how my friend spells his name, and word says so too!
7) maybe most important: THANKS ON THE FEEDBACK"
8) i appreciate all you said , soupoftomato, and i will take some of it into my edit, but let me just clrify a few more things.
9) they don't get Birthday visions, it's that on thier tenth birthday, while at an orphanage, they found the book, Spellbound, and when they read it it showed them this.
10) this IS an infodump,but it's semi-fake, it will be later revealed, SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!: that Winter-caster(role name of Elliot's dad, Gordan) put his life energy into Spellbound as elliot walked through the portal. He edited the real story of the demise of the spellbinderss to make it sound,believe it or not, NICER! later on, the truth is shown.
11)The Planes are not a planet, it's a whole other dimension!
12) I didn't just "decide" to publish, my langiage arts teacher told me to do so since i'm good at writing!
13) the characters are like this

THEY ARE ALL 14!!! and male! they are not brothers!

Elliot: he is a fun loving addiceted bookworm and does most practice and reading in spellbound. He is the main hero and leader of the group and will do anthing for his friends who are LIKE brothers to him. he is based on the normal hero. He fights by minipulating all elements slightly, but concentrates on condesing energy into a power pact blast.

Michael: He is the easil and=gerd, sole member of the group who thinks eberyone, exept maybe Gren, is immature. he has that dark presence. He is destined to betray the team for a while, then be cast out of the evil he joined and he rejoins the group being more friendly.(this will be a nicescene to wirte and read, but it'll be late on in the series). he is inspired by Mako from The Legand of Korra. as such, he fights aggresively with fire, smoetimes setting fire free, which can recklessly destroy an army.

Gren: He dosen't talk much, and when he does it's to say something wise. Based on Shun from bakugan, he is always calm exept when deep into combat where he uses swift moves to defeat massive ammounts of things. Micheal dosn't mind him, mostly because they both stay to themselves a lot. Gren seem to have some insight of a sence to juge people's destiny, but only faintly. he used earth to fight, but also harnesses trees in many ways.

Tommy: Completely fun-loving and acctually childish, he goes with the flow, just like his water element. He is a great soccer player and loves anything that lets him run around. He may be fun-loving, but his slight addictin to games like halo and Call of Duty, make him an exellant fighter and straigest. he can  cause the water in air to for f lodd 50 story in the air, then make the water back to vapour before it hits the ground. this tactic he uses to freeze airships in huge iceblocks!

William: he is the best with tommy as their personalities are the same, execpt that he isn't as "loud" as Tommy. He fights devesatingly with his air element. though hwe enjys blasting enemies with tornadoes, he prefers to trap them in a hurricane sphere with some watery help from his best friend.

---------------------other characters-------------------

Mark: the main villian, he is 16 now and the living incarnation of the Shadow. He aims at destroying the team and is trying to find a way to opena  portal to get to them without having to scrifice his life. He hates elliot the most and is capable of pure evil. He is fueled by evil. at the time if the invasion, which he did alone, he not only acctually did the conquering at the age of six, he also really murdered "the 10". He eventually uses Michael's anger to make him join forces. after attempting to steal Michael's Powers, and failing, he banishes him.

Charile: The son of the commisioner of police(who is the secret member of the 10 that is human and stays on earth to protect the secret of Magic) who has dyslexia. This let him read the spellbound, which humans can't do normally. He is a good friend of the group and is able to read spellboung=d quicker than even Elliot. He later finds out og=f his father's true idintity, and finds out that he is Mark's brother, while not an incarnation of the shadow himself, he cannot be harmed by magic, at the price of not being able to use magic. the only fighting ability he has is to redirect magical attacks and sheild his friends from them, which to him is still pretty cool.





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Thanks again for ALL your comments, if i did not answer any question, please post. and know, soon this will be published!

Last edited by GameCentral (2012-05-28 21:59:22)

bananaman114 wrote:

Err.
That was a major infodump, and saying it wasn't doesn't change that.
It's like pointing at a cat and saying "That is not a cat."
It doesn't work!

so
is that an excerpt of the actual story?
I want to make sure I've got this down before I nitpick.

Fine, then it's an infodump on PURPOSE!!!!

this is the un-edited(officially) version of chapeter 1, I am STILL WRITING, seriously like every night now!