Scratch

bananaman114 wrote:

Seriously.

I think this is becoming a trend, my writing always starts about the sky.
It's beautiful though so why wouldn't I write about it??

  I observe through the dusty window the sky. The sun ducks quickly behind a cloud, as if hiding from my field of vision. A shadow flies across the ground, encompassing this little city before it can object- but what good would it's objections do?
  This was how fast the toxins had reached this little city that we were once proud to call home, carried by the winds. Brought to this planet by the invaders from afar, a quick and easy way to wipe out the races happily existing on this blue ball we call Earth.
It all started, rather unfortunately, in a school. I happened to be in a city just West of here, and up the hill, upwind from here. It was a nice little school, this Lakebed Elementary (Named quite strangely, for there was no lake in the area), with plenty of nice little children, eager to learn and slow to harm.

Why the cold hand of Death would choose them first is beyond me.
It was one quarter past Twelve, and I was filling in for a grade teacher named Mr. Mackey, who it has been said to me had the nicest students you would ever meet. I won't rebuke these claims either. These students were absolutely beautiful, and I could imagine each and every one of them going far to become lawyers, or doctors, or scientists, if they hadn't gotten to them first.

  I was beginning my lesson on Division when a terrible scream came from down the hall. The first grade class. It alarmed me, so naturally I went to investigate. I assigned work, and popped out of the classroom to see what had happened that could possibly cause such a horrendous scream.
  There was an ambient blue light fading in an out from the window of the class, through which I observed the death of the entire first grade class- choking, coughing, crying. I had to warn the others.
  I ran through the Primary wing as fast as I possibly could. I had to get to the office. Evacuate the school. No matter how hard I tried to remain collected, to be the man in the situation, I couldn't. Tears streamed down my face as I leaped over the office secretary's desk and cried urgently into the microphone- "Evacuate the school".
  Those children didn't deserve to die. It should have been me.
A little girl was crying in the office chair across the room. I had to do something. I couldn't let her die as well.

how bad is it

you forgot to mention how FREAKING AWESOME IT IS!!!
it's not bad at all. its awesome! nice work.

I'm almost sure my writing has never mentioned the sky unless it was particularly notable. (It had changed or something)

bananaman114 wrote:

Seriously.

I think this is becoming a trend, my writing always starts about the sky.
It's beautiful though so why wouldn't I write about it??

  I observe through the dusty window the sky. The sun ducks quickly behind a cloud, as if hiding from my field of vision. A shadow flies across the ground, encompassing this little city before it can object- but what good would it's objections do?
  This was how fast the toxins had reached this little city that we were once proud to call home, carried by the winds. Brought to this planet by the invaders from afar, a quick and easy way to wipe out the races happily existing on this blue ball we call Earth.
It all started, rather unfortunately, in a school. I happened to be in a city just West of here, and up the hill, upwind from here. It was a nice little school, this Lakebed Elementary (Named quite strangely, for there was no lake in the area), with plenty of nice little children, eager to learn and slow to harm.

Why the cold hand of Death would choose them first is beyond me.
It was one quarter past Twelve, and I was filling in for a grade teacher named Mr. Mackey, who it has been said to me had the nicest students you would ever meet. I won't rebuke these claims either. These students were absolutely beautiful, and I could imagine each and every one of them going far to become lawyers, or doctors, or scientists, if they hadn't gotten to them first.

  I was beginning my lesson on Division when a terrible scream came from down the hall. The first grade class. It alarmed me, so naturally I went to investigate. I assigned work, and popped out of the classroom to see what had happened that could possibly cause such a horrendous scream.
  There was an ambient blue light fading in an out from the window of the class, through which I observed the death of the entire first grade class- choking, coughing, crying. I had to warn the others.
  I ran through the Primary wing as fast as I possibly could. I had to get to the office. Evacuate the school. No matter how hard I tried to remain collected, to be the man in the situation, I couldn't. Tears streamed down my face as I leaped over the office secretary's desk and cried urgently into the microphone- "Evacuate the school".
  Those children didn't deserve to die. It should have been me.
A little girl was crying in the office chair across the room. I had to do something. I couldn't let her die as well.

how bad is it

what even
This is really good!
You laid out the setting really nicely and provided a great visual.
The sky is a great way to start because it can provide the time, season, mood, and weather and is also a nice transition to the rest of the setting. I do that too.

Did I just go writing guru. What am I saying, I suck at writing.

Pretty much
Same with like...everyone ever
Except the narcissistic ones

Last edited by Wickimen (2012-04-06 00:50:39)

I love the sky. <3

soupoftomato wrote:

I come to the conclusion everyone I have seen write on here think they completely suck at writing.

I love it!

And I don't think I suck. I could use improvement! I get Writer's Block and I'm impatient so lots of my stories wind up going nowhere. xP

soupoftomato wrote:

The_Dancing_Donut wrote:

Wickimen wrote:

Pretty much
Same with like...everyone ever
Except the narcissistic ones

Yeah, unless they're a Samantha Brick [/DailyMailreferenceno-onewillunderstand]

Wow bananaman! I never knew you had it in you!~

I love it when people who type with zero grammar/punctuation write amazing stories and show the haters that they're awesome...

Woman who was narcissistic about her average looks, saying "it's hard to be this beautiful"

And I think bananaman mainly stopped the bad grammars.

haha i sometimes type in bad grammar because i get too lazy to type perfectly.
Sometimes I do type perfectly though when I am in the mood.
as long as u dun do txt tlk cuz srsly dat stuff iz annoying.
on topic- people sometimes think they suck when they DON'T (wicki) but writing is honestly not my forte.

jji7skyline wrote:

Interesting.

Should be a bit more descriptive of the wierd happenings. It's kinda hard to follow 

Thats how you write if you explain stuff later in the book

JinnOfTheGale wrote:

This is excellent; I love how you described the sky, taking something quite insignificant to some, and then magnifying it in detail - but of course, not too much detail.
The story is also great, it's a lot like the movie The Happening, if you've seen it.
Overall, great writing!

Why in fact I have seen The Happening
terrible anticlimax 
and uh no
just because everyone dies it's not really like the happening
this is a lot different
it's more like War of the Worlds with more death
or Half Life with more death
yeah

luiysia wrote:

The_Dancing_Donut wrote:

Wickimen wrote:

Pretty much
Same with like...everyone ever
Except the narcissistic ones

Yeah, unless they're a Samantha Brick [/DailyMailreferenceno-onewillunderstand]

Wow bananaman! I never knew you had it in you!~

I love it when people who type with zero grammar/punctuation write amazing stories and show the haters that they're awesome...

taip i gramer no puncuashin wif.


@topic: It was really good, but: the part where you say that the Lakebed School is named strangely, the part in parentheses shouldn't be capitalized. And the part where it says "I happened to be in a city...", it sounds kind of like the character is away from the place. Maybe it was supposed to be an it?
though I guess it doesn't really matter if you're not going to do anything with the story

No, that's right
if and or when I finish it it will be revealed that he is currently in a small dock on the east side of the United States, waiting for a short little man with a rather large boat to come
so the entire story will be what happened until then