Scratch

WHAT NO! I FINISHED EDITING AND IT SOMEHOW DELETED
ARGH :c

One
I found little wrong with this chapter, just a few phrasing suggestions 
    The still form of the mouse lay in the snow.  Near her, her two oldest children lay where they had fallen, dead.  But something, a toddler mouse, wriggled in her mother's limp grasp.
    The hordes of rats were still stampeding forward.  The bodies of the slain mice had been cast aside pitilessly into the freezing snow, the toddler taken for dead.
    One middle-aged rat paused beside the bodies, the blood still oozing from the mice's wounds.  The rat noticed the little mouse still alive, trying to crawl away.  He stepped away from the stampeding horde and knelt beside the baby.  He looked around, then turned back to the body and the toddler.  He picked up the little mouse and pulled his tattered cloak tighter around them both.  He slipped quietly away into the woodlands, away from the city from where he'd come.

Two

    Kimmy had always lived deep in the woods.  The place she called home was a good-sized hollow at the base of an old oak tree.  Like this paragraph. Not an infodump and not underexplaining either
    She and turned in bed, unable to sleep.  At the other side of the room, her father, a kind-hearted, older rat named Rufus, was tossing a piece of wood into the small fireplace.
    But Kimmy wasn't a rat.  She was a mouse.  The thing was, she wasn't aware she was a mouse.  Rufus never brought up the subject of their species.  Kimmy knew she and her dad were different, but not why.
    Rufus turned and smiled at Kimmy. "Can't sleep?" Kimmy nodded.  He beckoned her over to sit beside the fire. 
    "Want to hear another story about the city?"
    She nodded eagerly, staring into the flickering flames, the crackle of burning wood making her feel safe.  Story time.  She loved hearing about her father's countless adventures in the city.  Aw :3
    "I was barely older than yourself.  My family had never been rich, and my parents never cared about me as I care about you.  My mom sent me out to steal food from the humans almost every day.
    "Well, every day, I'd smell the food cooking in a human dining place, where lots of humans would go to eat.  It smelled oh-so-good!  One day, I couldn't resist.  I snuck in through the window and dropped into an open cupboard, pulling myself behind a box as I looked around.
    "And then I saw the bread.  Fresh from the oven, I could literally see all the steam rising from it!  The crust was all golden and crisp-looking.  Oh, I could almost taste it already! Great now I'm hungry
    "I darted across the floor towards that beautiful loaf of steaming bread.  But as I headed towards the table, one of the human cooks saw me and yelled something.  I'm pretty sure it was a swear. lolol
    "The cook picked up a huge knife.  It was sharp, I'd seen him cutting food with it.  Then he ran towards me with the knife raised!  I scrambled up onto the table and ripped a piece from the bread.  I carried it in my mouth and it tasted sweeter and more delicious than anything I'd ever eaten before!
    "The knife cut most of my tail off!" Rufus' paw strayed over the stub of his tail. Nice sentence "But I kept on running, 'cause that knife would have chopped up the rest o' me if I stopped!"
    "I jumped from the window, the landing nearly knocking the breath from me.  From there, I scurried home.  My mom and dad, I don't think they even noticed that my tail was gone.  And I barely got a pawful of the bread."
I like the way the whole story was told 
    "Aw," Kimmy said, hugging Rufus tight.  He smiled lovingly.
    "C'mon, time for you to go to sleep."
    Kimmy rubbed her eyes sleepily as she stumbled over to her bed, collapsing on it and pulling the blanket tightly around her. "Night," she said, and fell asleep a few minutes later.

This is great, post more 

Two

    Kimmy woke just before dawn.  Rufus was still sleeping, sitting in the old armchair by the fireplace.  The fire was just warm ashes now. 
    Kimmy pulled the slab of bark from the doorway, wincing slightly as the cold autumn breezes hit her face.  She paused, then found Rufus' old tattered cloak hanging by the door.  She struggled into it, through it was way too big for her and she stumbled over it with every step. 
    The stream gurgled, clear water sparkling in the last moonbeam.  The sky was lightening with the first rays of dawn.  Kimmy threw back the hood of the cloak and leaned down, gulping down mouthfuls of the clear, sweet water. 
    But when she stood back up, her keen eyes caught the sight of paw-prints across the stream, on the other bank!  Kimmy waded across, being the curious young adolescent mouse she was.
    She looked at her paw, then back at the tracks.  The prints weren't like hers.  They more resembled those of her dad, Rufus, she thought.  He would know who's they were.
    Kimmy splashed back across the stream and heaved aside the bark door. "Dad?" she called.
    Rufus yawned and stretched, standing up.  "What?" he asked as he rubbed his eyes sleepily.
    "Um...there are paw-prints over there."
    That sure woke him up. "What?  Where?  What do they look like?"
    "Other side of the stream.  They kinda look like your prints, but there's a lot of them."
    "Gimme the cloak!" She took it off and gave it to him. "Stay.  Right.  Here.  I'll be right back!"
    Kimmy couldn't help feeling that something bad was happening.  Her thoughts were confirmed by Rufus charging back inside, forcefully shoving the bark back into place.
    He pulled a dark-colored blanket from Kimmy's bed and tossed it to her.  He motioned to her bed urgently. "Get under there.  Now!  Hide under that blanket, and whatever you do, do not come out until I tell you to! 
    "Why?" Kimmy asked as she crawled under her bed and pulled the blanket over her.
    Rufus appeared not to hear.  Instead, he began to light a fire in the fireplace.  When the fire was blazing warmly, he set about making breakfast from some acorn butter and wheat bread and other nuts.
    He passed one plate down to Kimmy, hiding under her bed.  She ate hungrily.  Rufus ate too, but appeared always on guard and very tense, the way she'd seen him when there were huge hawks and owls about.
    A short time after breakfast, there was a loud pounding on the door!  An urgent, desperate, fear-filled look darted across Rufus' face.  He motioned for Kimmy to completely conceal herself beneath the blanket.
    As she did, the door slammed open and revealed about a half-dozen rat soldiers.  The biggest strode boldly into the house.  "Hey, you!" he demanded.  Rufus turned.
    "Hello," Rufus replied, bowing stiffly.  Fear coursed through his veins, for both himself and Kimmy. 
    Kimmy pulled a fold of the blanket just far back enough to see what was happening.  She knew her hiding place was good because it was in the darkest corner of the house and the bed was not high, so she simply looked like part of the shadow of the bed.
    She didn't like these new creatures.  They looked more like her father than like her, but they scared Kimmy!
    Rufus remained in a bowing position. "What must I do to assist the Great Lord Zamar?"
    "For one, old man, you can pay your taxes and let us sleep in this house!  Orders of the Great Lord!"
    Rufus hesitated.  "A big request.  But if the Great Lord commands it, it must be done.  Feel free to rest wherever you would like."
    The new rats all found someplace to sit down.  One lay down on Kimmy's bed.  Kimmy sucked in her breath, determined not to be found. 
    That was how the rest of the day went: The newcomers yelling orders, Rufus hurrying to comply, Kimmy trying to stay still though she was hungry and thirsty.  With every command the new rats gave, Kimmy grew angrier.  What right did these creatures have to march in, invade her home, and treat her father like their servant?

    Night came and Kimmy was half-asleep, but stiff and hungry.  Rufus looked around cautiously, watching each other rat's face to make sure they were still asleep.
Then he managed to slip a plate of food and a cup of water under the bed to Kimmy.
    "Thanks," she whispered and ate.  Rufus looked around again, even more carefully this time, then motioned for Kimmy to come out.
    He drew her aside and whispered, "It's time you knew this."
    "Knew what?"
    "I am not your father."
    "What?  Of course you are!"
    "Ssh!  I'm not, at least physically.  My species are called rats.  They are rats.  You are a mouse."
    "Mouse.  Rats." Kimmy repeated the new words carefully.
    "Yes.  I found you two winters and three seasons ago, dead of the winter, during a time we call The Great Rat Invasion.  They killed your mother and siblings and left you for dead."
    "What?"
    "It's true.  Most of the rats didn't care about you or simply didn't notice you.  I, well, felt this sympathy for you, having grown up poorly myself, you know.  So I grabbed you and ran away from the rat horde.  Then you grew up."
    "Um...why didn't you tell me this before?"
    "Better you didn't know."
    "What now?"
    Rufus took the cloak from the shelf beside the door and gave it to his mouse-daughter, who struggled into it. "Run away.  You have no future here.  If it's found out I raised you, we'll both end up dead.  And you need to run away to somewhere safe."
    He took Kimmy's wrist and brought her over to the door. "But - but - what about you?" Kimmy spluttered quietly. "Aren't you coming with me?"
    Rufus shook his head. "I can't.  You stand a better chance alone.  And besides, from here, I have a better chance at being able to fight against the Lord Zamar.  You need to get someplace safe.  You're too young for all this."
    He cracked open the door and took Kimmy by the shoulders.  He stared deply into her eyes. "Make me proud of you." He gave her a hug, then took a step back.  Rufus gave her a gentle shove out into the dark woodlands.
    Kimmy stared back at her dad.  He smiled. "Make me proud," he repeated.  She smiled back, suddenly aware of what she must do.
    "I will.  I promise."

Wickimen wrote:

Whoa, long
And I do love long stuff! 
I will be back

XD Sorry it's so long. 
But you like long stories.

Wickimen wrote:

Two

    Kimmy woke just before dawn.  Rufus was still sleeping, sitting in the old armchair by the fireplace.  The fire was just warm ashes now. 
    Kimmy pulled the slab of bark from the doorway, wincing slightly as the cold autumn breeze hit her face.  She paused, then found Rufus' old tattered cloak hanging by the door.  She struggled into it, through it was much too big for her and she stumbled over it with every step. 
    The stream gurgled, clear water sparkling in the last moonbeam.  The sky was lightening with the first rays of dawn.  Kimmy threw back the hood of the cloak and leaned down, gulping down mouthfuls of the clear, sweet water.  The whole paragraph is epic
    When she stood back up, her keen eyes caught the sight of paw-prints odd I always thought pawprints was one word, but spell check tells me differently across the stream, on the other bank!  Kimmy waded across, being the curious young adolescent you don't have to, but perhaps deleting the word "adolescent" would make the sentence flow better? mouse she was.
    She looked at her paw, then back at the tracks.  The prints weren't like hers. Aw, I get this cute mental image of a little mouse looking at her paw and then up again XD  They more resembled those of her dad, Rufus, she thought.  He would know whose they were. Or perhaps you could rephrase that last sentence so that it read "He would know whom the paw-prints belonged to?
    Kimmy splashed back across the stream and heaved aside the bark door. "Dad?" she called.
    Rufus yawned and stretched, standing up.  "What?" he asked as he rubbed his eyes sleepily.
    "Um...there are paw-prints over there."
    That sure woke him up. The 'sure' in that sentence may make it seem a bit like slang but that might possibly have been what you were going for; I'd use "That woke him up," or "That woke him up", but it's your choice "What?  Where?  What do they look like?"
    "Other side of the stream.  They kinda look like your prints, but there's a lot of them." (Slang is okay for dialogue though, so keep that up yeah)
    "Gimme the cloak!" She took it off maybe add "feeling surprised" because her dad normally doesn't sound so sharp with her? and gave it to him. "Stay.  Right.  Here.  I'll be right back!"
    Kimmy couldn't help feeling that something bad was happening.  Her thoughts were confirmed when Rufus came charging back inside, forcefully shoving the bark back into place.
    He pulled a dark-colored blanket from Kimmy's bed and tossed it to her.  He motioned to her bed urgently. "Get under there.  Now!  Hide under that blanket, and whatever you do, do not come out until I tell you to!" This builds the tension nicely
    "Why?" Kimmy asked as she crawled under her bed and pulled the blanket over her.
    Rufus appeared not to hear.  Instead, he began to light a fire in the fireplace.  When the fire was blazing warmly, he set about making breakfast from some acorn butter and wheat bread and other nuts.
    He passed one plate down to Kimmy, hiding under her bed.  She ate hungrily.  Rufus ate too, but appeared always on guard and very tense, the way she'd seen him when there were huge hawks and owls about. a good comparison, for mice :3
    A short time after breakfast, there was a loud pounding on the door!  An urgent, desperate, fear-filled only use two of these adjectives IMO look darted across Rufus' face.  He motioned for Kimmy to completely conceal herself beneath the blanket.
    As she did, the door slammed open and revealed about a half-dozen rat soldiers.  The biggest strode boldly into the house.  "Hey, you!" he demanded.  Rufus turned.
    "Hello," Rufus replied, bowing stiffly.  Fear coursed through his veins, for both himself and Kimmy.  Last two paragraphs are very well done
    Kimmy pulled a fold of the blanket just far back enough to see what was happening.  She knew her hiding place was good because it was in the darkest corner of the house and the bed was not high, so she simply looked like part of the shadows.
    She didn't like these new creatures.  They looked more like her father than like her, but they scared Kimmy!
    Rufus remained in a bowing position. "What must I do to assist the Great Lord Zamar?"
    "For one, old man, you can pay your taxes and let us sleep in this house!  Orders of the Great Lord!"
    Rufus hesitated.  "A big request. some word besides big I think  But if the Great Lord commands it, it must be done. Ooh, ominous! I like.  Feel free to rest wherever you would like."
    The new rats all found someplace to sit down.  One lay down on Kimmy's bed.  Kimmy sucked in her breath, determined not to be found. 
    That was how the rest of the day went: The newcomers yelling orders, Rufus hurrying to comply, Kimmy trying to stay still though she was hungry and thirsty.  With every command the new rats gave, Kimmy grew angrier.  What right did these creatures have to march in, invade her home, and treat her father like their servant?

    Night came and Kimmy was half-asleep, but stiff and hungry.  Rufus looked around cautiously, watching the other rats' faces to make sure they were still asleep.Then he managed to slip a plate of food and a cup of water under the bed to Kimmy.
    "Thanks," she whispered as she ate.  Rufus looked around again, even more carefully this time, then motioned for Kimmy to come out.
    He drew her aside and whispered, "It's time you knew this."
    "Knew what?"
    "I am not your father."
    "What?  Of course you are!"
    "Ssh!  I'm not, at least physically.  My species are called rats.  They are rats.  You are a mouse."
    "Mouse.  Rats." Kimmy repeated the new words carefully.
    "Yes.  I found you two winters and three seasons ago, dead of the winter, during a time we call The Great Rat Invasion.  They killed your mother and siblings and left you for dead."
    "What?"
    "It's true.  Most of the rats didn't care about you or simply didn't notice you.  I, well, felt this sympathy for you, having grown up poorly myself, you know.  So I grabbed you and ran away from the rat horde.  Then you grew up."
    "But...why didn't you tell me this before?"
    "Better you didn't know."
    "What now?"
    Rufus took the cloak from the shelf beside the door and gave it to his mouse-daughter, who struggled into it. "Run away.  You have no future here.  If it's found out I raised you, we'll both end up dead.  And you need to run away to somewhere safe."
    He took Kimmy's wrist and brought her over to the door. "But - but - what about you?" Kimmy spluttered quietly. "Aren't you coming with me?" Daw, poor Kimmy :'c
    Rufus shook his head. "I can't.  You stand a better chance alone.  And besides, from here, I have a better chance at being able to fight against the Lord Zamar.  You need to get someplace safe.  You're too young for all this."
    He cracked open the door and took Kimmy by the shoulders.  He stared deply into her eyes. "Make me proud of you." He gave her a hug, then took a step back.  Rufus gave her a gentle shove out into the dark woodlands.
    Kimmy stared back at her dad.  He smiled. "Make me proud," he repeated.  She smiled back, suddenly aware of what she must do.
    "I will.  I promise."

No no no Kimmy, don't try and defeat Lord Zamar!
Sad.
But this is awesome, yay! Can't wait for the next chapter 

  Thanks for all the help!  I have the next chapter written, should I post it now?

Okay, chapter three is short so I'm posting chapters three and four.  And Wicki, if you don't want to edit it you definitely don't have to.


Three

    The cold wind blew hard against Kimmy's face.  Gritting her teeth, she pulled the cloak tighter about her, half-shutting her eyes against the driving wind.  She was not going to let her father - or at least her adopted father - down.
    But nighttime made Kimmy sleepy.  It was nearly two hours since Rufus had helped her escape.  A hollow log invited her, and she crawled in.  She settled into the soft rotted wood pulp, letting her eyes drift closed.

    It was a startling awakening to find a long screw pointing close to Kimmy's face and a hard paw kicking against her side. "Get up, mouse!" a harsh voice nearby growled.  Her forepaws were bound paw-numbingly tight behind her back.
    She struggled upright, staring into the cold face of a rat named Parry, who was backed by a half-dozen other rats.  He scowled as Kimmy stood.  "Give me that cloak you're wearing," he commanded.
    "Y-yes, sir," Kimmy stammered and shrugged out of her father's cloak.  Parscho and his gang surrounded her and led her out into the woods. 
    "Wh-where are we going, sir?" she managed to ask as they led her through the forest.
    "To the fortress of the Great Lord Zamar."
    "Where is that, sir?"
    "I do not like it when children ask questions ones of their rank are not in the position to ask."
    "S-sorry, sir."
    "Hmph."
    They trudged on.  Kimmy shivered as she walked.  It got cold here at night!  But at the same time, Kimmy was angry.  What right did these rats have to take her captive, make her trudge along towards her enemy's castle, then steal her dad's stuff?
    But she could do nothing to stop them, so she plodded on.

Four

    The night was almost gone, and Kimmy was dead on her feet.  "Um, sir?" she asked.
    "What?" Parry didn't turn to look at her.
    "Are we, uh, getting close to the fortress?"
    "We should be there by evening."
    Evening! she thought.  How would she last that long without rest?

    Thankfully, she didn't have to.  The small party took a break around mid-morning.  Kimmy's forepaws were unbound for a few minutes and she was given some stale bread, which she wolfed down energetically.  They had stopped close to a stream, and she was allowed to take a drink of water, but only accompanied by two rats.
    Kimmy's forepaws were rebound behind her back and her hind paws tied until they were ready to leave.  She gratefully leaned agains an oak tree and closed her eyes, resting.

    All too soon, they were on the move again.  It was way too soon for Kimmy, who hadn't had decent rest in about a day.  The world was blurred through her wearied vision and her stomach cried aloud.  Kimmy's stomach growling annoyed Parscho to no end.
    Then they came to the tunnel entrance.  It was a locked metal door, but Parscho whipped out a ring of keys and unlocked it.  In the distance, a human city towered up.  The tunnel seemed to match the bleak darkness of the city.  The tunnel yawned and gaped like the mouth of some creature, ready to swallow up anyone foolish enough to enter.
    Parry lead them in, the tunnel slanting down gradually.  The dirt cold beneath her hindpaws, Kimmy shivered.  Dampness hung around her, chilling her from head to hindpaw.
    Tunnels branched off of the main passage everywhere.  Some were lined with doors, all were relatively dark.  Rats scurrying around bowed respectfully to Parry.  As they walked, Kimmy caught sight of mice and squirrel slaves scurrying to fulfill orders.  All looked miserable and tired, and Kimmy tried to avoid their pained stares.
    One little squirrel slave, barely two winters old, was running while carrying a stack of dirty firewood.  His head was bowed and didn't see Parry and the others. 
He ran slap-bang into Parry!  The tall rat grabbed the little squirrel, making him drop the firewood. 
    "What's your name, squirrel?" snarled Parry.
    "F-F-Felix, sir."
    "Stupid bumbling idiot."
    "I'm sorry, sir!  It - it won't happen again, I promise, sir!" Felix was nearly in tears from the fear and pain of Parry's claws digging into his arm.
    "It better not.  You'll report to the Great Lord Zamar if it does.  Now pick up that wood and get back to work." He released his hold on Felix's arm.
    Felix bent over and hurried to gather up the firewood.  He bowed his head again and rushed down one of the nearby corridors.  As he did, an anger built up inside of Kimmy.  What kind of place was this?
    She knew.  A horrible one.  Rufus and the soldiers had spoken of the Great Lord Zamar, and Parry had implied that Zamar lived here.  Kimmy grew angrier with each occurrence she saw: slaves of all ages carrying items to and fro, big rats bullying smaller ones, creatures yelling and crying.  Once, she glimpsed what looked like a blood stain on the dirt floor.

Last edited by PlutoIsHades (2012-02-25 15:04:38)

Wickimen wrote:

Pfft of course I want to

Three

    The cold wind blew hard against Kimmy's face.  Gritting her teeth, she pulled the cloak tighter about her, half-shutting her eyes against the driving wind.  She was not going to let her father - or at least her adopted father - down. <3
    But nighttime made Kimmy sleepy.  It was nearly two hours since Rufus had helped her escape.  A hollow log invited her, and she crawled in.  She settled into the soft rotted wood pulp, letting her eyes drift closed.

    It was a startling awakening to find a long screw pointing close to her face and a hard paw kicking against her side. "Get up, mouse!" a harsh voice nearby growled.  Her forepaws were bound paw-numbingly tight behind her back.
    She struggled upright, staring into the cold face of a rat named Parry, who was backed by a half-dozen other rats.  Cool, but you may not want to tell the reader his name right off. Since Kimmy doesn't know, let the reader find out by someone else calling him Parscho/Parry He scowled as Kimmy stood.  "Give me that cloak you're wearing," he commanded.
    "Y-yes, sir," Kimmy stammered and shrugged out of her father's cloak. No! The last piece of home life! D:  Parscho and his gang surrounded her and led her out into the woods. 
    "Wh-where are we going, sir?" she managed to ask as they led her through the forest.
    "To the fortress of the Great Lord Zamar."
    "Where is that, sir?"
    "I do not like it when children ask questions ones of their rank are not in the position to ask." What a jerk
    "S-sorry, sir."
    "Hmph."
    They trudged on.  Kimmy shivered as she walked.  It got cold here at night!  But at the same time, Kimmy was angry.  What right did these rats have to take her captive, make her trudge along towards her enemy's castle, then steal her dad's stuff?
    But she could do nothing to stop them, so she plodded on.

Four

    The night was almost gone, and Kimmy was dead on her feet.  "Um, sir?" she asked.
    "What?" Parry didn't turn to look at her.
    "Are we, uh, getting close to the fortress?"
    "We should be there by evening."
    Evening! she thought.  How would she last that long without rest? Poor Kimmy

    Thankfully, she didn't have to.  The small party took a break around mid-morning.  Kimmy's forepaws were unbound for a few minutes and she was given some stale bread, which she wolfed down enthusiastically?.  They had stopped close to a stream, and she was allowed to take a drink of water, but only accompanied by two rats.
    Kimmy's forepaws were rebound behind her back and her hind paws tied until they were ready to leave.  She gratefully leaned agains an oak tree and closed her eyes, resting.

    All too soon, they were on the move again.  It was way too soon for Kimmy, who hadn't had decent rest in about a day.  The world was blurred through her wearied vision and her stomach cried aloud.  Kimmy's stomach growling annoyed Parscho to no end. I am growing to dislike this idiot Parscho. Nice work :3
    Then they came to the tunnel entrance.  It was a locked metal door, but Parscho whipped out a ring of keys and unlocked it.  In the distance, a human city towered up.  The tunnel seemed to match the bleak darkness of the city.  The tunnel yawned and gaped like the mouth of some creature, ready to swallow up anyone foolish enough to enter. Quite an epic paragraph!
    Parry lead them down the tunnel, which slanted down gradually.  The dirt cold beneath her hindpaws made Kimmy shiver.  Dampness hung around her, chilling her from head to hindpaw. coolio sentence
    Tunnels branched off of the main passage everywhere.  Some were lined with doors, all were relatively dark.  Rats scurrying around bowed respectfully to Parry.  As they walked, Kimmy caught sight of mice and squirrel slaves scurrying to fulfill orders.  All looked miserable and tired, and Kimmy tried to avoid their pained stares. really like this whole paragraph
    One little squirrel slave, barely two winters old, was running while carrying a stack of dirty firewood.  His head was bowed and didn't see Parry and the others. 
He ran right into Parry!  The tall rat grabbed the little squirrel, making him drop the firewood. Oh no D:
    "What's your name, squirrel?" snarled Parry.
    "F-F-Felix, sir."
    "Stupid bumbling idiot."
    "I'm sorry, sir!  It - it won't happen again, I promise, sir!" Felix was nearly in tears from the fear and pain of Parry's claws digging into his arm.
    "It had better not.  You'll report to the Great Lord Zamar if it does.  Now pick up that wood and get back to work." He released his hold on Felix's arm. This is great, but how about he lets go so suddenly that Felix stumbles?
    Felix bent over and hurried to gather up the firewood.  He bowed his head again and rushed down one of the nearby corridors.  As he did, an anger built up inside of Kimmy.  What kind of place was this?
    She knew.  A horrible one. No Kimmy.  It's wonderful. Jkjk. Good paragraph transition. Rufus and the soldiers had spoken of the Great Lord Zamar, and Parry had implied that Zamar lived here.  Kimmy grew angrier perhaps for more variety, "more furious" with each occurrence she saw instead of "saw", how about "witnessed"?: slaves of all ages carrying items to and fro, big rats bullying smaller ones, creatures yelling and crying.  Once, she glimpsed what looked like a blood stain on the dirt floor. Disturbing. I like.

Nice job 

Oh, oops!  His name was originally Parscho but then I changed it.  I guess I forgot some parts. 
And thank you. 

Im writing a novel... cant post untill its copyrighted and published. And then I'll probably just post hte link to buy a copy of it! 

wolvesstar97 wrote:

Im writing a novel... cant post untill its copyrighted and published. And then I'll probably just post hte link to buy a copy of it! 

That's confident 

I'll be working on that other story I posted earlier, but for now I think I'll try another one. This one will have animals. 

The soft pad of paws on dirt echoed through the tunnel. "We should enforce the barriers. It's only a matter of time before--" the voice was cut off abruptly. "The stone!" another voice shrieked, "It's GONE!"

DUN DUN DUN... I'll leave you at a cliff-hanger for now. Mostly because I have to go to church as I type this. xD I shall be back soon, though.

wolvesstar97 wrote:

bananaman114 wrote:

wolvesstar97 wrote:

Im writing a novel... cant post untill its copyrighted and published. And then I'll probably just post hte link to buy a copy of it! 

That's confident 

Um, you havent read it. It has its own language with roots and everything.

That doesn't automatically mean the grammar and sentence structure and imagery and story plot and characters are all amazing though

wolvesstar97 wrote:

Wickimen wrote:

wolvesstar97 wrote:

Um, you havent read it. It has its own language with roots and everything.

That doesn't automatically mean the grammar and sentence structure and imagery and story plot and characters are all amazing though

IT ISSSSSSS! YOU'LL SEE! YOU'LL ALL SEE!

Now I'm feeling annoyed
That's a little egotistical to call your own writing amazing
Post the first chapter for us if it's so good.

wolvesstar97 wrote:

a young boy is celebrating his 18th

You aren't a young boy if you are turning 18.
You are a young man