Scratch

So it's like Scooby Doo without Scooby Doo, and the main characters are sarcastic jerks?

Andres-Vander wrote:

Uh the ending doesn't really make logical sense

In what way?

bump

I've updated it.

Got bored reading, but here's some editing:
“So what do you know about this?” William questioned.
“Me? I don’t know anything about this.”
I would use "nothing" in place of "I don't know anything about this" otherwise it is repetitive. It is more natural than directly quoting what someone just said, even when nervous/guilty, I would assume

But they didn’t do it in an overly obvious way
"But they did it casually,"  would eliminate a lot of wordiness in this.

The stood
*they

but positioned so that they hopefully wouldn’t be able to get past if they tried to run away
Would be better as "but positioned so that, hopefully, they wouldn't be able to get past if they tried to run

Last edited by soupoftomato (2012-03-15 21:03:51)

bump

Agg725 wrote:

hm... nothing like what I've read before. I like it. I must confess, though, I did skim over it to see what other people's comments were. Now, I have read quite a few mystery books (particularly classic Nancy Drew) but I am not highly knowlegeable about how to write these types of stories. It may, as every story does, need editing and revising, but that's normal. I am right now working on a survival book, such as "The Cay", "Hatchet", and "Swiss Family Robinson". anyway, this sounds pretty neat, and I think you should keep writing it.    I'm also interested in reading  some more. 

Thanks.    And that sounds interesting. I like survival books, and I've read Hatchet.

I've done a little bit more than what I've posted here. Well, quite a lot. It starts explaining things, such as how Caleb knew to question that person, and how he knew he was lying (though I haven't actually got to that bit yet, but nearly). I shall update it right now. 

I've updated it now. 

If people want to view the topic, they'll post on it. Please don't keep bumping it if no one is posting on it.

calebxy wrote:

I'll bear that in mind, thanks. 

I mean no offense, you understand.

Mods don't like it for some reason. Maybe because it resembles necroposting or spam. :S

you shouldve include me oh wait hyper intelligent okay
detective stories are always fun
wait ive only ever read like 3

Putting everything about the characters aside, it seem good, but you need to describe more. It seems to me that you are telling more than showing, and a way you can probably improve on this is by using more metaphors and similes, which are hard to use in mystery/detective stories, but effective. Also, don't use too much dialogue. Again, you you need to describe more. Could something in the background be a crucial clue?

Not putting everything about the characters aside, yes I agree with everyone, they do need to have their 'fatal flaws' I have written a short story, (8 pages, using A4 paper and a 23 font!). That was ages ago, but anyway it seemed to be well recieved. (Sorry if it sounds like i'm bragging and being really nasty!)

I'm not trying to sound mean, but if you are writing a book, this sort of rant is what you can expect from publishers and critics. 

Hope this helps!

Happypieman wrote:

Putting everything about the characters aside, it seem good, but you need to describe more. It seems to me that you are telling more than showing, and a way you can probably improve on this is by using more metaphors and similes, which are hard to use in mystery/detective stories, but effective. Also, don't use too much dialogue. Again, you you need to describe more. Could something in the background be a crucial clue?

Not putting everything about the characters aside, yes I agree with everyone, they do need to have their 'fatal flaws' I have written a short story, (8 pages, using A4 paper and a 23 font!). That was ages ago, but anyway it seemed to be well recieved. (Sorry if it sounds like i'm bragging and being really nasty!)

I'm not trying to sound mean, but if you are writing a book, this sort of rant is what you can expect from publishers and critics. 

Hope this helps!

Thanks, but about the dialogue: I like the dialogue. Why would you expect any less in an interrogation?! Of course they'll be lots of speaking.