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#1 2011-08-29 20:01:48

GravityCatisalie
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Registered: 2010-04-30
Posts: 1000+

Section From a Story I Am Writing

I pressed my back against the door, hoping that my weight could stop the creature from entering the bathroom that I was hiding out in. It wasn’t a pretty sight, with toothpaste smeared across the sink and dirty towels across the floor. I ignored this and franticly looked around for the Great Book of Monsters. It was in the tub, about a foot away.
    I tried to lunge towards it when I tripped. Looking down at my feet, I saw the thing slipped its slender arms under the door and was grabbing onto my foot. “Leggo!” I screamed to no avail. It tried to fit the rest of its body underneath the crack in the door while trying to take a bite out of my foot, letting out low growls at the same time. “Get OFF!” I yelled and kicked it right in its humongous eye.
    Quickly, I got up; nearly slipping on the slime my shoe was now covered with, and jammed the laundry basket against the door. Diving into the bathtub I picked up the grimy old book. On the front cover it said “The Great Book of Monsters” in elegant letters that were golden thousands of years ago. I skimmed through the yellowed pages until I reached the illustration that matched the thing outside.
    “Garglesnaps are vile beasts. The male Garglesnap has long arms and two sets of teeth. The back row of teeth are blunt, for chewing, and the front row are sharp, to rip through flesh easily. The female Garglesnap has three rows of teeth. The first two rows are the same as the males, but the third row is used to store bits of food inside it, so it can feed its young after hunting.”
    I flipped to the next page, and read quickly. I could hear the Garglesnap outside, trying to break down the door.
    “As soon as a Garglesnap is hatched, it immediately crawls towards the first object it sees with legs. You see, a Garglesnap is born without legs. It is unknown why it is, but their instincts tell them to find some as soon as they open their eyes. Once it gets to the object, it bites the leg of and continues to consume the rest of the item or animal. After that the mother attaches the legs to its stumps. If it sees the father it would still attack it, but never the female. This is most likely due to the reason that without the mother, it would have to go legless for the rest of their lives.”
    I looked over at the door. That would explain why it was trying to eat me. “But how do I stop it,” I muttered, turning over the next couple of pages. The door was getting small holes by now, and I was worried. Another page was turned and I found it. The top of the page said in big bold letters, ‘How to Defend Yourself Against a Garglesnap’.
    “It is advised to stay as far away from Garglesnaps as possible. If you see a Garglesnap in your home the best thing to do is back away slowly and never come back again. If a Garglesnap sees you, the best thing to do is say your prayers. You are doomed.”

--------------
So, what do you think? Any feedback?

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#2 2011-08-30 03:47:17

calebxy
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Registered: 2009-12-31
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Re: Section From a Story I Am Writing

LOL

I love the doom-ridden ending! Anyway, it was very good. I'm looking forward to reading some more of it.  smile


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#3 2011-08-30 04:27:52

helltank
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Registered: 2010-05-21
Posts: 1000+

Re: Section From a Story I Am Writing

The ridiculous, childish names ruined what might have been a pretty dark atmosphere. "Garglesnap" and so on. Not sure if you were even planning to write a dark story, but....

Anyway, good work, if I were to assume you were trying to write a children's story, and good twist ending. Those are so hard to find.


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#4 2011-08-30 06:22:20

Albertt911
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Registered: 2010-09-28
Posts: 1000+

Re: Section From a Story I Am Writing

Lol, I hope they do a rage face when they read the book :3

I like your writing style, the story so far is reminding me of Nelly the Monster Sitter, (brilliant books that I read a few years ago) although I don't know if you're trying to be more serious than it sounds. If so, you may want to change the monster name, and make the whole atmosphere a bit more darker. If not, then this is awesome  smile


'The only problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are so certain of themselves, and the wise so full of doubt.'
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#5 2011-08-30 08:10:38

calebxy
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Registered: 2009-12-31
Posts: 1000+

Re: Section From a Story I Am Writing

Don't feel you have to go along with the stupid dark craze going on recently. A story doesn't have to be dark to be good or serious. Iron Man, for instance, isn't dark at all, but that's reasonably serious and was very successful.

Last edited by calebxy (2011-08-30 08:10:59)


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#6 2011-08-30 08:13:55

Albertt911
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Registered: 2010-09-28
Posts: 1000+

Re: Section From a Story I Am Writing

calebxy wrote:

Don't feel you have to go along with the stupid dark craze going on recently. A story doesn't have to be dark to be good or serious. Iron Man, for instance, isn't dark at all, but that's reasonably serious and was very successful.

^this!^ even though I'm making a kind-of dark story  roll

I'm surprised no-one has made a MLP-FiM fan fic yet, I thought that would've gone down well :L


'The only problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are so certain of themselves, and the wise so full of doubt.'
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#7 2011-08-30 08:35:02

67589jun
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Registered: 2007-07-13
Posts: 1000+

Re: Section From a Story I Am Writing

Albertt911 wrote:

calebxy wrote:

Don't feel you have to go along with the stupid dark craze going on recently. A story doesn't have to be dark to be good or serious. Iron Man, for instance, isn't dark at all, but that's reasonably serious and was very successful.

^this!^ even though I'm making a kind-of dark story  roll

I'm surprised no-one has made a MLP-FiM fan fic yet, I thought that would've gone down well :L

I have made one, except it's a crossover. Go over to page 22 on the FiM discussion for the link. Sorry if I am derailing the thread.


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#8 2011-08-30 08:45:22

calebxy
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Registered: 2009-12-31
Posts: 1000+

Re: Section From a Story I Am Writing

Albertt911 wrote:

calebxy wrote:

Don't feel you have to go along with the stupid dark craze going on recently. A story doesn't have to be dark to be good or serious. Iron Man, for instance, isn't dark at all, but that's reasonably serious and was very successful.

^this!^ even though I'm making a kind-of dark story  roll

lol yeah.

I began making a "dark thriller" (as I put it at the time) recently. But my other stories (two of which I've actually finished) have been fairly lighthearted.  smile

Last edited by calebxy (2011-08-30 08:46:08)


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And please join Story Zone!  big_smile

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#9 2011-08-30 13:30:18

calebxy
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Registered: 2009-12-31
Posts: 1000+

Re: Section From a Story I Am Writing

bump


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And please join Story Zone!  big_smile

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#10 2011-08-31 04:29:51

helltank
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Registered: 2010-05-21
Posts: 1000+

Re: Section From a Story I Am Writing

I exist on deep, thought inducing, nightmare causing, insomnia awakening stories. They are my food, my drink, my air.
My other food, other drink and other air are hilarious parodies, satirical works and well-written fanfiction(especially crossovers).

So yeah, don't go with the dark craze. I recently indulged in "Demonbound", a high fantasy story about demons fighting angels. Not dark at all, just action-packed, like "Magician".

But then again, you could also search "Mass Scary Story Thread" and look for stuff written by me. Those are scary. The Deck of Cards(a prequel of BarelyBreathing), The Demons That Haunt My Mind, Asker, and so on.


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#11 2011-08-31 09:04:05

maxskywalker
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Registered: 2008-01-27
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Re: Section From a Story I Am Writing

LOL.  But what happened with the first Garglesnap who didn't have a mother?

Edit:  WAIT!  Are Garglesnaps giant, mutated frogs?  Frogs have bulbous eyes, slimy stuff on them, and are born as legless tadpoles!

Last edited by maxskywalker (2011-08-31 09:05:34)

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#12 2011-08-31 09:28:45

GravityCatisalie
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Registered: 2010-04-30
Posts: 1000+

Re: Section From a Story I Am Writing

I wasn't really trying to be dark, just semi-dark with a bit of humor.
Thanks for all the feedback!

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#13 2011-08-31 09:39:14

calebxy
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Registered: 2009-12-31
Posts: 1000+

Re: Section From a Story I Am Writing

GravityCatisalie wrote:

I wasn't really trying to be dark, just semi-dark with a bit of humor.
Thanks for all the feedback!

Good.  smile


I'm making my own Doctor Who series!  big_smile  See the first episode here.
And please join Story Zone!  big_smile

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#14 2011-08-31 09:42:48

GravityCatisalie
Scratcher
Registered: 2010-04-30
Posts: 1000+

Re: Section From a Story I Am Writing

maxskywalker wrote:

LOL.  But what happened with the first Garglesnap who didn't have a mother?

Edit:  WAIT!  Are Garglesnaps giant, mutated frogs?  Frogs have bulbous eyes, slimy stuff on them, and are born as legless tadpoles!

It's sort of a giant egg covered in fur with a long mouth in the regular place and two large eyes above. It also seems to have the arms of a human.

IDK, I just based it off of something I drew during class.

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#15 2011-08-31 09:58:31

calebxy
Scratcher
Registered: 2009-12-31
Posts: 1000+

Re: Section From a Story I Am Writing

GravityCatisalie wrote:

maxskywalker wrote:

LOL.  But what happened with the first Garglesnap who didn't have a mother?

Edit:  WAIT!  Are Garglesnaps giant, mutated frogs?  Frogs have bulbous eyes, slimy stuff on them, and are born as legless tadpoles!

It's sort of a giant egg covered in fur with a long mouth in the regular place and two large eyes above. It also seems to have the arms of a human.

IDK, I just based it off of something I drew during class.

Yeah, make sure you describe the monster (alien?) as best you can in the story.  wink
Also, would you mind having a look at my latest story thread?  smile

Last edited by calebxy (2011-08-31 09:59:10)


I'm making my own Doctor Who series!  big_smile  See the first episode here.
And please join Story Zone!  big_smile

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