Here it is! All I've done so far! (Well, I'm working on chapter 2 and 3. And four.
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My name is Amber Ivans, and all my friends call me A.I, and I also love computer programming. I've tried to simulate virtual reality, and my last attempt has left me nowhere. But, I believe there is something about me I don't even know. Anyways, this is my diary, and this is my story.
Chapter One - Programming Camp!.
Dear Diary,
I am 14 years old, I dyed my hair green and black, and, of course, I really like computers. But, this is one thing that upsets me- no computers.
It was about 3 weeks before the new school opened up and all my friends and I would go there this fall. I looked outside as a newspaper roll landed on the driveway of my parents' house. I sighed as my mother told me to get the news, and I went down and noticed something in the paper. I saw a small circuitboard poking out, and I grabbed it.
I walked back up and sat in a chair and programmed.
I had just about finished a file when the phone rang.
"Amber, dear, will you answer the phone for me?" I picked up the phone and pressed talk.
"Hello?" I asked whoever was on the other end.
"Hi, is this Amber?" they asked.
"This is Amber." I replied.
"Oh, Amber, I wanted to take you to a programming camp for teens next Wednesday, but-"
I started to talk, but realized what she said.
"A programming camp?" I couldn't believe my ears!
"But, it's in another state, so you'll have to stay with me for a week.
"Ok. I'm going to ask Mom when she can take me."
I went over to Mom's room and knocked on the door.
"Come in." she said.
"Mom, can you take me to Aunt Jane's house? I really want to go to the programming camp on Wednesday."
"Okay. Let's have lunch, and then I'll take you. It's a long drive."
I quickly called Aunt Jane back and told her that we were about to eat lunch and then leave. We talked for a minute, and then we said bye.
"Food's ready!" Mom yelled. I went over to the table and saw a quesadilla, some salad, beans, and a bit of rice.
For my mom, it was a meal fit for a queen- or her daughter. To me, it was just one step closer to programing camp.
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You never establish that it's her Aunt Jane in the paragraph of the call. It sounds more like a stalker exploiting her interests to kidnap her.
And the sentence, "I walked back up and sat in a chair and started programming" is a run-on as well as not very fluent.
Other than that it's a pretty good idea I guess.
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You revealed the biggest part of the book in the title and greatly inferred it in the first paragraph.
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Sunrise-Moon wrote:
You revealed the biggest part of the book in the title and greatly inferred it in the first paragraph.
Actually that's very true.
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soupoftomato wrote:
You never establish that it's her Aunt Jane in the paragraph of the call. It sounds more like a stalker exploiting her interests to kidnap her.
And the sentence, "I walked back up and sat in a chair and started programming" is a run-on as well as not very fluent.
Other than that it's a pretty good idea I guess.
This.^
I thought that it was some weird dude trying to kidnap here too.
Also, how can you program just a chip?
Otherwise, very good.
Maybe needs some revising, but a very good start.
Last edited by wmays (2011-07-07 22:55:50)

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