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#1 2011-06-15 16:49:50
My first dark thriller
This is my first attempt at a dark thriller...ish. All my other stories have been comedy/action/adventure, all quite lighthearted. Now I want to know what you think of this. This isn't even the whole first chapter though. Just a bit of it.
Eliot was a short, 15 year old boy. He had neat, bond hair, which was getting blown about in the wind as he was riding home on his bicycle. He dreamed of the day he could go racing through the streets on a motorbike. His 16th birthday was coming up in a few weeks, and Eliot planned to take full advantage of that age. He’d already picked out the motorbike he wanted, and had almost saved up enough money already.
As Eliot rode around a corner, leading to a bridge over a railway track, he turned the bike too sharply and he was thrown off! He rolled across the road towards edge of the bridge. He tried to grab onto something, but couldn’t. He rolled off the bridge and landed on his back on the train track. He tried to get up, but couldn’t. He couldn’t move at all. Suddenly, he was engulfed in a ball of flames!
Eliot woke up, gasping for breath. He felt like he was burning up. He reached over to his bedside table, and picked up his alarm clock. It was 3 o’clock in the morning. He didn’t want to go back to sleep. Every night he had that same dream. He couldn’t take having it again, not straight away. Instead, Eliot climbed out of bed, and went downstairs.
He walked into the kitchen, and opened the fridge. The light from inside lit up part of the kitchen, revealing a dark figure standing a few meters to the side of Eliot! Eliot jumped back in surprise, and fell over. The dark figure reached out his hand toward Eliot, who shuffled back as fast as he could until he was against the wall.
“Who are you?!” Eliot demanded.
Eliot’s younger brother, Fred, ran down the stairs.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, even though he already knew.
Eliot looked over to his brother, and then back at where the dark figure had been standing a moment ago.
“He was right there!” shouted Eliot, in frustration.
“Ok, ok. Just calm down,” Fred comforted, as he jumped down the last of the stairs. “Just go back to bed, ok?”
Eliot shook his head.
“I can’t. I can’t go back to sleep.”
“That’s fine. I know,” replied Fred, softly.
He pulled something out of his pocket. It was a test tube. He pulled the cork off the top, raised the tube up to Eliot’s mouth. Eliot grabbed it, and poured the colourless liquid into his mouth. He swallowed, and instantly fell asleep.
Last edited by calebxy (2011-06-15 16:50:09)
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#2 2011-06-16 03:32:08
Re: My first dark thriller
bump
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#3 2011-06-16 03:42:42
- jji7skyline
- Scratcher
- Registered: 2010-03-08
- Posts: 1000+
Re: My first dark thriller
Not exactly the best piece of writing... You should have read the one of the first stories in the mass scary story thread! I gave up before half way 
BTW I don't exactly like stories with dreams in them, I find them boring. Especially ones that end saying 'then he woke to find it was all a dream' 
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello!
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#4 2011-06-16 04:14:21
Re: My first dark thriller
jji7skyline wrote:
Not exactly the best piece of writing... You should have read the one of the first stories in the mass scary story thread! I gave up before half way
It's not exactly meant to be a horror story, though.
jji7skyline wrote:
BTW I don't exactly like stories with dreams in them, I find them boring. Especially ones that end saying 'then he woke to find it was all a dream'
It was only the first 2 paragraphs!
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#5 2011-06-16 07:41:58
- maxskywalker
- Scratcher
- Registered: 2008-01-27
- Posts: 1000+
Re: My first dark thriller
I've barely even read any of it (and at the moment I'm so tired that I probably won't read more, not because of your writing) but i can already tell that you use WAY too many exclamation points! XD
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#6 2011-06-16 07:50:47
Re: My first dark thriller
maxskywalker wrote:
I've barely even read any of it (and at the moment I'm so tired that I probably won't read more, not because of your writing) but i can already tell that you use WAY too many exclamation points! XD
I counted three.
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#7 2011-06-16 11:24:44
Re: My first dark thriller
bump
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#8 2011-06-16 11:40:04
Re: My first dark thriller
Some Things I Recommend
1. Describe the dream with a few more scary details
2. Make some more sentences connect, like Every night he had that same dream. He couldn’t take having it again, not straight away. would sound better as Every night he had that same dream and he couldn’t take having it again, not straight away.
3. Also, when you write Eliot jumped back in surprise, and fell over., I think you could change that a bit because he seems younger when he falls over, and he's fifteen. Maybe he could just stumble?
Overall, though, it's good and I'd like to hear more! 
xDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
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#9 2011-06-16 12:07:17
- Ace-Of-Hearts
- Scratcher
- Registered: 2010-05-03
- Posts: 1000+
Re: My first dark thriller
First person point-of-view would be scarier for this type of story
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#10 2011-06-16 12:10:21
Re: My first dark thriller
Wickimen wrote:
Some Things I Recommend
1. Describe the dream with a few more scary details
2. Make some more sentences connect, like Every night he had that same dream. He couldn’t take having it again, not straight away. would sound better as Every night he had that same dream and he couldn’t take having it again, not straight away.
3. Also, when you write Eliot jumped back in surprise, and fell over., I think you could change that a bit because he seems younger when he falls over, and he's fifteen. Maybe he could just stumble?
Overall, though, it's good and I'd like to hear more!
Thanks. Great advice.
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#11 2011-06-18 03:05:37
Re: My first dark thriller
bump
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#12 2011-06-19 13:47:02
Re: My first dark thriller
bump
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#13 2011-06-19 14:02:04
Re: My first dark thriller
Judging from Fred's calming speech, care for his brother and Eliot's actions compared to his, it seems like he is indeed older than Eliot. Also, due to the third-person nature, it becomes rather bland when the usual start of a sentence is either "He" or "Eliot". The dream is hardly impressive, with similar sentences (..., but couldn't......, but couldn't) and turn of events that is rushed and thus not well explained - something you'd like to avoid if the story itself revolves around a dream. Exclamation marks are not well used, either.
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#14 2011-06-19 14:04:27
- littletonkslover
- Scratcher
- Registered: 2008-12-12
- Posts: 1000+
Re: My first dark thriller
haha i couldn't stop laughing
it's not scary, dark, or thrilling. At all
but it does make for a good laugh///
That's the dark nature of capitalism. ~ Wonder Showzen
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#15 2011-06-19 14:06:59
Re: My first dark thriller
Vurb wrote:
Judging from Fred's calming speech, care for his brother and Eliot's actions compared to his, it seems like he is indeed older than Eliot.
The idea behind that is that Eliot is kind of mentally ill. Well, he's traumatized because of an accident he had a few months ago (which is alluded to in the dream). So the rest of his family has learnt to deal with him, even though Fred is actually younger. It's a bit like when someone in a family is autistic.
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#16 2011-06-19 14:08:00
Re: My first dark thriller
littletonkslover wrote:
haha i couldn't stop laughing
it's not scary, dark, or thrilling. At all
but it does make for a good laugh///
Yeah, you're just as kind as I remember.
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#17 2011-06-19 14:09:20
Re: My first dark thriller
calebxy wrote:
Vurb wrote:
Judging from Fred's calming speech, care for his brother and Eliot's actions compared to his, it seems like he is indeed older than Eliot.
The idea behind that is that Eliot is kind of mentally ill. Well, he's traumatized because of an accident he had a few months ago (which is alluded to in the dream). So the rest of his family has learnt to deal with him, even though Fred is actually younger. It's a bit like when someone in a family is autistic.
Nevertheless, don't you think that, when a person hears a member of his family have some sort of struggle and goes on to help him, that person initially would be a parent or an older brother?
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#18 2011-06-19 14:23:17
Re: My first dark thriller
Vurb wrote:
calebxy wrote:
Vurb wrote:
Judging from Fred's calming speech, care for his brother and Eliot's actions compared to his, it seems like he is indeed older than Eliot.
The idea behind that is that Eliot is kind of mentally ill. Well, he's traumatized because of an accident he had a few months ago (which is alluded to in the dream). So the rest of his family has learnt to deal with him, even though Fred is actually younger. It's a bit like when someone in a family is autistic.
Nevertheless, don't you think that, when a person hears a member of his family have some sort of struggle and goes on to help him, that person initially would be a parent or an older brother?
Ok, you're probably right. I'll change that.
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#19 2011-06-19 14:25:06
Re: My first dark thriller
Vurb wrote:
Judging from Fred's calming speech, care for his brother and Eliot's actions compared to his, it seems like he is indeed older than Eliot. Also, due to the third-person nature, it becomes rather bland when the usual start of a sentence is either "He" or "Eliot". The dream is hardly impressive, with similar sentences (..., but couldn't......, but couldn't) and turn of events that is rushed and thus not well explained - something you'd like to avoid if the story itself revolves around a dream.
Good point. I'll do my best to improve it.
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#20 2011-06-19 14:26:18
Re: My first dark thriller
Vurb wrote:
Exclamation marks are not well used, either.
Care to elaborate?
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#21 2011-06-19 14:58:11
Re: My first dark thriller
calebxy wrote:
Vurb wrote:
Exclamation marks are not well used, either.
Care to elaborate?
"The light from inside lit up part of the kitchen, revealing a dark figure standing a few meters to the side of Eliot!"
In this exact sentence, it seems that you've emphasized the fact that it's standing by the side of Eliot (not by anyone else's side) or that it's standing to the side (not to the front) of Eliot. You should've stressed the fact that it's indeed a dark figure and it is paranormal. In this case, I wouldn't use an exclamation mark at all.
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#22 2011-06-19 15:02:24
Re: My first dark thriller
Vurb wrote:
calebxy wrote:
Vurb wrote:
Exclamation marks are not well used, either.
Care to elaborate?
"The light from inside lit up part of the kitchen, revealing a dark figure standing a few meters to the side of Eliot!"
In this exact sentence, it seems that you've emphasized the fact that it's standing by the side of Eliot (not by anyone else's side) or that it's standing to the side (not to the front) of Eliot. You should've stressed the fact that it's indeed a dark figure and it is paranormal. In this case, I wouldn't use an exclamation mark at all.
Wow, aren't you an expert (yes, I know that will sound rude, but it's really not meant to be ) Thanks, for you're help.
Last edited by calebxy (2011-06-19 15:02:34)
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#23 2011-06-19 15:26:09
Re: My first dark thriller
calebxy wrote:
Vurb wrote:
calebxy wrote:
Care to elaborate?"The light from inside lit up part of the kitchen, revealing a dark figure standing a few meters to the side of Eliot!"
In this exact sentence, it seems that you've emphasized the fact that it's standing by the side of Eliot (not by anyone else's side) or that it's standing to the side (not to the front) of Eliot. You should've stressed the fact that it's indeed a dark figure and it is paranormal. In this case, I wouldn't use an exclamation mark at all.Wow, aren't you an expert (yes, I know that will sound rude, but it's really not meant to be
Nah. I just wrote a few essays in primary school. Common literature sense came to me because I read a huge amount of books.
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