Scratch

floatingmagictree · 2010-02-01 07:53:36

Here's a good one:

There were 11 people - 10 men and one woman - hanging off of a rope on a helicopter. One person had to jump off or else the rope would break and everyone would fall off. While all the men started arguing about who should jump off, the woman gave a touching speech about how she would jump off as women were always making sacrifices for their husbands and children.

After the touching speech, all the men started clapping.

Paddle2See · 2010-02-01 08:49:02

A skeleton walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender walks up and says "What'll you have"? The skeleton replies: "Give me a beer. And a mop."

That joke is not original...I think I heard it first on "Prairie Home Companion" smile

BWOG · 2010-02-01 09:21:20

Paddle2See wrote:
A skeleton walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender walks up and says "What'll you have"? The skeleton replies: "Give me a beer. And a mop."

That joke is not original...I think I heard it first on "Prairie Home Companion"

That's one of my favorite jokes.

Here's a blonde joke (And whoever typed it (Not me)didn't know that you're supposed to have a space after a period):
Three women(a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde)got caught for heisting a bank.They went to trial and were all sentenced to death by the shooting squad.As the squad was ready to shoot, the general shouted: "Ready, set,…", and the redhead shouts: "Hurricane!!". The squad dropped their guns and ran for cover.The brunette was next and the general says:”Ready,set,…”,and the brunette shouts:”Tornado!!”.The squad once again drops their guns and runs for shelter.As the blonde is about to get shot,the general says:”Ready ,set,…” and the blonde yells:”Fire!!!”.

Mr_X · 2010-02-01 10:21:55

BWOG wrote:
Paddle2See wrote:
A skeleton walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender walks up and says "What'll you have"? The skeleton replies: "Give me a beer. And a mop."

That joke is not original...I think I heard it first on "Prairie Home Companion"
That's one of my favorite jokes.

Here's a blonde joke (And whoever typed it (Not me)didn't know that you're supposed to have a space after a period):
Three women(a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde)got caught for heisting a bank.They went to trial and were all sentenced to death by the shooting squad.As the squad was ready to shoot, the general shouted: "Ready, set,…", and the redhead shouts: "Hurricane!!". The squad dropped their guns and ran for cover.The brunette was next and the general says:”Ready,set,…”,and the brunette shouts:”Tornado!!”.The squad once again drops their guns and runs for shelter.As the blonde is about to get shot,the general says:”Ready ,set,…” and the blonde yells:”Fire!!!”.

You could've added spaces, you know lol

greenflash · 2010-02-01 14:01:36

A duck walks into a store and gets some lipstick. She walks up to the counter and the cashier says: "You can't buy lipstick, you're a duck!" The duck replies: "Don't worry, I'll put it on my bill."

Ace-of-Spades · 2010-02-01 15:53:01

Jonathanpb wrote:
Ace-of-Spades wrote:
billyedward wrote:
Q. How many elephants can you fit in a volkswagon beetle?
A. Four: Two in the front, two in the back.
Q. How do you know that an elephant's been in your fridge?
A. Footprints in the peanut butter.
Q. How do you know that two elephants have been in your fridge?
A. Two footprints in the peanut butter.
Q. How do you know that three elephants have been in your fridge?
A. Three footprints in the peanut butter.
Q. How do you know that four elephants have been in your fridge?
A. Volkswagen beetle parked outside!

Q. How do you fit an elephant in your fridge?
A. Open the door, put the elephant in, close the door!
Q. Now take a guess at how to fit a giraffe in your fridge...
...
...
...
...
...
... OK, think you have it?
...
...
... Bet you're wrong...
...
A. Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door!
None of them were good. Not that I could do much better with the number of 12 year olds around here.
Ace, you obviously didn't get the whole joke in the first paragraph. The point was that there was the Volkswagen Beetle at the beginning, and then it appears at the end as a surprise. That paragraph was all one joke

Sorry Ace, but - why are you always criticizing everyone and insulting people? We don't like that.

Of course I got the joke. I just didn't find any of it funny. Am I supposed to pretend to laugh my hat off whenever someone tells a not so good joke? That would be lying, and I cannot tell a lie.

Mr_X · 2010-02-01 16:17:14

Behold, my great book of lame TXT MSG jokes!
They'll give you a migrane trying to read it!

"DctrDctrIKpFnkinImATrt"
"ThtSndsFshy2Me"

WhtsThDifBtwnACakNALf?
IfUDntKnwUEatThLf!

Ace-of-Spades · 2010-02-01 19:11:18

Doctor, doctor. I keep thinking I'm a trout.
That sounds fishy to me.

What's the difference between a cake and a leaf?
If you don't know, you eat the leaf.

RHY3756547 · 2010-02-01 19:17:51

darkknuckles wrote:
<when[ fart ]key pressed>

Why am I a member of a site where people laugh at fart jokes?
Has some serious illness come over me?

Mr_X · 2010-02-01 20:50:05

RHY3756547 wrote:
darkknuckles wrote:
<when[ fart ]key pressed>
Why am I a member of a site where people laugh at fart jokes?
Has some serious illness come over me?

Answer: ...maybe

fg123 · 2010-02-01 21:01:20

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender:
"Give me a beer before the trouble starts."
The bartender was busy, so he just gave the man the beer.
Then, after the man drank the beer, he asks again. Again, the bartender was busy, so he gave the man the beer and left.
After the man finished that beer, he requested the same thing.
"Give me a beer before the trouble starts."
This time, the bartender was not busy, so he said: "What's the trouble?"
It which the man replied: "I have no money."

Here's another one:

A skinny man was sitting in a restaurant with a cup of liquid in front of him. A burly truck driver came and drank his drink. The first man started crying.
Burly Truck Driver: "Sorry pal. I'll buy you another."
Man: "No, it's not like that. This is a sad day for me. I got to my office late, and was fired. Then, my car got stolen. I walked 6 miles home to find my wife with another man. I ran here and was just about to end it all, when you came and drank my poison."

Ace-of-Spades · 2010-02-01 21:10:25

Nice.

Jonathanpb · 2010-02-01 23:51:22

Ace-of-Spades wrote:
Jonathanpb wrote:
Ace-of-Spades wrote:
None of them were good. Not that I could do much better with the number of 12 year olds around here.
Ace, you obviously didn't get the whole joke in the first paragraph. The point was that there was the Volkswagen Beetle at the beginning, and then it appears at the end as a surprise. That paragraph was all one joke

Sorry Ace, but - why are you always criticizing everyone and insulting people? We don't like that.
Of course I got the joke. I just didn't find any of it funny. Am I supposed to pretend to laugh my hat off whenever someone tells a not so good joke? That would be lying, and I cannot tell a lie.

You're not supposed to pretend to laugh whenever someone tells a bad (in your opinion) joke, but at the same time you shouldn't just say "That was horrible" - it's sort of mean. smile

Ace-of-Spades wrote:
Nice.

Yay! big_smile

Last edited by Jonathanpb (2010-02-01 23:52:02)

Ace-of-Spades · 2010-02-01 23:53:26

What should I do then? Not express my opinion? I have a freedom to speech.

Jonathanpb · 2010-02-01 23:53:27

RHY3756547 wrote:
darkknuckles wrote:
<when[ fart ]key pressed>
Why am I a member of a site where people laugh at fart jokes?
Has some serious illness come over me?

People laugh at different things... you're just one of the people that doesn't find it funny. wink
You should be proud to be a member of the Scratch website. smile

Last edited by Jonathanpb (2010-02-01 23:57:30)

Jonathanpb · 2010-02-01 23:54:51

Ace-of-Spades wrote:
What should I do then? Not express my opinion? I have a freedom to speech.

No... it's that it's mean to just say "That was horrible". Though you are allowed to say something like "Sorry, I didn't find that funny" - it isn't as harsh. smile

And you do have a right to freedom of speech. wink

Last edited by Jonathanpb (2010-02-01 23:56:27)

TheCatAndTheBanana · 2010-02-02 12:02:21

A man walks into a bar. What does he then say?

Answer: Ouch.

(geddit?)

Ace-of-Spades · 2010-02-02 15:59:25

What did some fat guy knock him aside as he was entering? Fat people do that sometimes, it's no laughing matter. Obecity is a serious problem. Just kidding, of course I got it.

ScratchX · 2010-02-02 16:07:22

TheCatAndTheBanana wrote:
A man walks into a bar. What does he then say?

Answer: Ouch.

(geddit?)

I always asks my friends that.

Mr_X · 2010-02-02 16:25:35

ScratchX wrote:
TheCatAndTheBanana wrote:
A man walks into a bar. What does he then say?

Answer: Ouch.

(geddit?)
http://i277.photobucket.com/albums/kk41 … ic/lol.jpg
I always asks my friends that.

That's freaky

half_life_2 · 2010-02-02 20:20:26

A nuetron once went into a bar and asked, " How much for a drink?" The bartender replied, "For you, no charge!"

darkknuckles · 2010-02-02 20:59:04

ScratchX wrote:
TheCatAndTheBanana wrote:
A man walks into a bar. What does he then say?

Answer: Ouch.

(geddit?)
http://i277.photobucket.com/albums/kk41 … ic/lol.jpg
I always asks my friends that.

ROFL

steppenwulf · 2010-02-02 21:15:22

ScratchX wrote:
TheCatAndTheBanana wrote:
A man walks into a bar. What does he then say?

Answer: Ouch.

(geddit?)
http://i277.photobucket.com/albums/kk41 … ic/lol.jpg
I always asks my friends that.

*?

Greatdane · 2010-02-02 21:48:03

I have a couple:
A virus walks into a bar, the bartender says "We don't serve viruses in here". The virus replaces the bartender and says "Now we do!"

An infectious disease walks into a bar, the bartender says "We don't serve any infectious diseases in here". The infection disease replies, "Well, you're not a very good host!"

A bacteria walks into a bar, the bartender says "We don't serve bacteria in here". The bacteria says, "Hey, I'm staff".

A room temperature superconductor walks into a bar, the bartender says "We don't serve any room temperature superconductors in here" and the room temperature superconductor leaves without putting up any resistance.

An infrared particle walks into a bar, and says, "Is it hot in here or is it just me?"

A neutrino walks into a bar, the bartender says "We don't serve neutrinos in here" the neutrino says, "Hey, I was just passing through. "

Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar and doesn't!

The last one I think is the funniest, but you need to know science to understand them.

samurai768 · 2010-02-02 23:10:32

Greatdane wrote:
I have a couple:
A virus walks into a bar, the bartender says "We don't serve viruses in here". The virus replaces the bartender and says "Now we do!"

An infectious disease walks into a bar, the bartender says "We don't serve any infectious diseases in here". The infection disease replies, "Well, you're not a very good host!"

A bacteria walks into a bar, the bartender says "We don't serve bacteria in here". The bacteria says, "Hey, I'm staff".

A room temperature superconductor walks into a bar, the bartender says "We don't serve any room temperature superconductors in here" and the room temperature superconductor leaves without putting up any resistance.

An infrared particle walks into a bar, and says, "Is it hot in here or is it just me?"

A neutrino walks into a bar, the bartender says "We don't serve neutrinos in here" the neutrino says, "Hey, I was just passing through. "

Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar and doesn't!

The last one I think is the funniest, but you need to know science to understand them.

Some of them were funny, but then again, that makes me a geek XD

LOL, I am actually proud to be a geek. This means at my school, I am worshipped near and far XD

Scratch

archived forums

#26 2010-02-01 07:53:36

Re: funny jokes!

#27 2010-02-01 08:49:02

Re: funny jokes!

#28 2010-02-01 09:21:20

Re: funny jokes!

Paddle2See wrote:

#29 2010-02-01 10:21:55

Re: funny jokes!

BWOG wrote:

Paddle2See wrote:

#30 2010-02-01 14:01:36

Re: funny jokes!

#31 2010-02-01 15:53:01

Re: funny jokes!

Jonathanpb wrote:

Ace-of-Spades wrote:

billyedward wrote:

#32 2010-02-01 16:17:14

Re: funny jokes!

#33 2010-02-01 19:11:18

Re: funny jokes!

#34 2010-02-01 19:17:51

Re: funny jokes!

darkknuckles wrote:

#35 2010-02-01 20:50:05

Re: funny jokes!

RHY3756547 wrote:

darkknuckles wrote:

#36 2010-02-01 21:01:20

Re: funny jokes!

#37 2010-02-01 21:10:25

Re: funny jokes!

#38 2010-02-01 23:51:22

Re: funny jokes!

Ace-of-Spades wrote:

Jonathanpb wrote:

Ace-of-Spades wrote:

Ace-of-Spades wrote:

#39 2010-02-01 23:53:26

Re: funny jokes!

#40 2010-02-01 23:53:27

Re: funny jokes!

RHY3756547 wrote:

darkknuckles wrote:

#41 2010-02-01 23:54:51

Re: funny jokes!

Ace-of-Spades wrote:

#42 2010-02-02 12:02:21

Re: funny jokes!

#43 2010-02-02 15:59:25

Re: funny jokes!

#44 2010-02-02 16:07:22

Re: funny jokes!

TheCatAndTheBanana wrote:

#45 2010-02-02 16:25:35

Re: funny jokes!

ScratchX wrote:

TheCatAndTheBanana wrote:

#46 2010-02-02 20:20:26

Re: funny jokes!

#47 2010-02-02 20:59:04

Re: funny jokes!

ScratchX wrote:

TheCatAndTheBanana wrote:

#48 2010-02-02 21:15:22

Re: funny jokes!

ScratchX wrote:

TheCatAndTheBanana wrote:

#49 2010-02-02 21:48:03

Re: funny jokes!

#50 2010-02-02 23:10:32

Re: funny jokes!

Greatdane wrote:

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