Scratch

throughthefire · 2010-01-18 00:42:06

Well, this is a story that I'll add on to in parts, much like Fallen Stars. Enjoy!

CHAPTER 1:
I have seen many things in this life of mine. So many happy memories, yet so many bad. It seems that I'm always in the wrong place, at the wrong time - and it's usually my fault. I'm not well known for a brilliantly descisive mind, yet I still hold on to the few friends that I have. They follow me relentlessly - no matter how big a mess I make of our lives.

We started high school in September, and to tell you the truth, I still get lost in the maze of red-brick buildings. Every classroom looks the same - four walls, thirty seats and a grumpy old teacher at the front. All the teachers here are dull and dusty - grey suits, grey ties, grey jumpers. They're as boring as boring could be, and they're not all that important to this story, so I won't waste my ink telling you about them.

At this time of year, when the freezing rain falls to the ground in thunderous torrents, we get sent to the gym at lunch. Which means about a thousand eleven to sixteen year olds squashing into an already stuffy room, most shouting their heads off. I'm far quieter, myself, and I don't chance my luck with incoming basketballs too often. My descisions were bad before, but I think I out-did myself that once. There's no going back now.

I began my forced march to the gym as usual, with a lot of hyper adolescents pushing and jerking me as I tried to ignore them. Mr. Nokstand, my homeroom teacher, was behind us, and I could tell that he was enjoying my pain. The dislike between us was pretty obvious. I stopped and faced him to try and convince him to make the boys stop. He just snapped at me and told me to get moving. That's good old Mr. Nokstand for you.

We were approaching the gym, when I thought of a brilliant idea. Why not just go hide in the lockeroom until recess was over? The thing was, though, that we weren't allowed to go in the lockeroom during recess. I Iooked behind me and saw that this was my perfect opportunity. Mr Nokstand was looking away. I silently thanked him, then slipped into the lockeroom.

CHAPTER 2:
Once I entered the lockeroom, I could hear voices further inside. I got excited because I wanted to bust them for breaking the rules and being inside the lockeroom, then I remembered I was breaking the rules myself. Confused about who else would come in here, I crept further inside the lockeroom.

Then I saw it. A small group of people, about 10, were crowded around a pitcher sitting on the floor, filling their cups with a strange red liquid and gulping it down. Suddenly, one of the people turned around and stared at me suprised. I had a bad feeling about what would happen next.

"Now, what do we have here?"One of them said, "A human, perhaps?" I could feel my heart start to beat faster and sweat start to run down my face.
"Um, sorry, the princess is in another castle, maybe?" I said, trying to distract them so I could slip away unnoticed.
The people all started laughing. "No," Another one said, "You've come to the right castle. If you're looking for vampires, that is!"

I had a decision to make. My choices were to either run away and back into my normal life, with my boring teachers and family, or I could stay and listen to what they said. I decided to make a run for it. Suddenly, one of the vampires faded into vision right in front of my eyes.
"Just where do you think you're going?" He said.
At a loss of what to say, I just blurted out, "Uh, Ordon Village?" My mind was set on video games that day because I would beat the final boss of Punch Out when I returned home.
"Well well," The vampire said, "A gamer aren't we now?"
"Yes, I am. I better go because Epona's getting lonely" Wow, another video game refrence.

Suddenly, one of the vampires pinned me to the wall. Shock and pain coursed through my body. I groaned.
"Let's get to the point here,"He said, "are you one of those cursed vampire hunters or not?"
"No, I'm not." I meekly replied. Seeing me struggle to breathe, the vampire released me and I fell to the floor, gasping for air.
"Well then," He said, "You're in luck!"
"I am?" I exclaimed. "Will you let me go now?"
"I'm sorry, no. At least we give you a decision, though."
"Okay, what are the choices?"
"Well, you could either become a vampire, like us, or you can die and have us drink your blood, your choice.."
"Can I have a moment to think?"
"Sure, but you aren't going anywhere!"
I was faced with the toughest decision of my life.

CHAPTER 3:
I was sitting in deep thought on the lockeroom bench. I had no clue about what to do. If I told them to drink my blood and get it over with, it would cause my family grief, and I didn't want that to happen. On the other hand, if I became a vampire, mom would eventually find out and then the whole family would have to become vampires, and I didn't want that to happen either.

I looked up to find that all of the vampires were standing around me, looking at me like starved men would look at a cupcake. I wondered how I could make a decision like this. Then I heard the bell ring, and it was time for math class.
"Excuse me, guys, but I have to get to math, or my teacher will give me a detention!" I said, trying to get them to let me go.
"I'm sorry," said one of them, "but we just can't let you go until you make a decision, it's the rules. Besides, being a vampire isn't so bad! You get powers like levitation, speed, invisibility..."
I then snapped, "I'm tired of this! I'm leaving, whether you like it or not!"
One of the vampires stepped in front of me and said sternly, "Look, we have no choice, you have to choose now!"
I then made my choice of what to do. I said, "Fine, then turn me!" I could hear some sighs from the other vampires behind me. I then felt a sharp pain in the neck, and blacked out.

CHAPTER 4:

I woke up to find the others staring over me. I got up, feeling new power course through my body. I looked down at my hands to find them paler than usual.
"Yep," I said, "I'm definitely a vampire now. So, how long has passed?"
"Oh," One said "Just a few seconds. Turning is faster than you think."
I was excited that I wouldn't get in trouble for "skipping school". I would just be late, but that was no big deal. I then remembered my boring Algebra 1 teacher and my face fell. I looked around, and no one was in the halls. I might as well try out my powers before going to class

First, I tried my speed. I started jogging, and realized that me jogging was faster than the star athlete in my school sprinting. i smiled, thinking about how much easier the mile would be now that I was a vampire. Next, I tried levitation. I concentrated, but to no avail. I sighed, and started to class I would definitely be late now. I tried to take a step, but I found no ground beneath me. I smiled again. It looked like it wouldn't be so hard being a vampire after all.

I took a glance at the clock. I was almost ten minutes late. I decided to try sprinting to class. I concentrated my power in my legs. I could almost swear they were glowing. After I could take it no longer, I let the energy go and started. I blinked, and found my self outside my classroom.
"I could get used to this," I muttered under my breath, "Looks like this won't be so bad after all."

TO BE CONTINUED...

Last edited by throughthefire (2010-02-08 23:39:39)

cocoanut · 2010-01-18 00:44:44

Indent when the speaker changes. :B

And these chapters are short.
A looooong time ago in school, I wrote these fiction stories. Because, well, the assignment was to write fiction stories. We had this one where we were supposed to write a horror story for Halloween (I won the Halloween story contest xD). The next fiction assignment I created a sequel. Each story was about twenty pages. If I'm going to create a compilation of those stories, each chapter would be about the length of one story, or twenty pages.

Last edited by cocoanut (2010-01-18 00:51:20)

Ace-of-Spades · 2010-01-18 05:11:25

Vampires are overrated. I like werewolves the best.

fanofcena · 2010-01-18 05:44:02

Ace-of-Spades wrote:
Vampires are overrated. I like werewolves the best.

Um what about DEATH itself

Ace-of-Spades · 2010-01-18 06:29:02

I don't understand what you mean.

MyRedNeptune · 2010-01-18 09:29:45

What Cocoanut said, also, I don't like the prologue...

... but the worst thing that happened, is the event that happened on January 18, in school. The decision that I made on that day turned out to be the worst in my life ...

I don't think that is particularly appetizing. tongue Throw away the "the worst thing in my life" stuff... It sounds unrealistic, it makes the teller seem phobic, and who would want to read a book which only describes somebody's worst day in their life? You can almost feel the sentimental whine starting on the next page, even if there is none. xD

So how about replacing that with something more classic like, umm... "the day that changed my life forever" or something? xD

jukyter · 2010-01-18 11:34:09

Pretty good, but I like werepigs best! XD!

juststickman · 2010-01-18 11:49:31

jukyter wrote:
Pretty good, but I like werepigs best! XD!

0_o
werewaffles PWN werepigs

jukyter · 2010-01-18 12:21:08

juststickman wrote:
jukyter wrote:
Pretty good, but I like werepigs best! XD!
0_o
werewaffles PWN werepigs

WEREPIGS
<if>=werewaffles<say[ boo! ]for( 100 )secs>
<else><if>=werepigs<say[ WooHoo! ]for( 100 )secs>

jukyter · 2010-01-18 12:35:20

juststickman,
Go to http://scratch.mit.edu/projects/jukyter/849776

jukyter · 2010-01-18 12:42:32

throughthefire wrote:
Well, this is a story that I'll add on to in parts, much like Fallen Stars. Enjoy!

PROLOUGE:
There are many interesting things that have happened in my life. Some were good, some were bad, but the worst thing that happened, is the event that happened on January 18, in school. The decision that I made on that day turned out to be the worst in my life (IF you want to call it that). Here's how it all started:...

CHAPTER 1:
It was a cold, rainy day; much like all the other days in Oregon. Lunch had just gotten out for recess in my school, and that meant being crowded in a stuffy gym with kids screaming and basketballs flying. I started my dreaded march toward the gym when I though of an idea. I thought: "Why not spend recess in the lockeroom, where no one goes during recess?" The teachers weren't looking, so I slipped away and into the lockeroom, just as I had planned. However, I hadn't planned for seeing what was inside the lockeroom...

CHAPTER 2:
Once I entered the lockeroom, I could hear voices further inside. Confused, I crept further inside the lockeroom. Then I saw it. A bunch of people (At least, I thought they were people) were crowded around a pitcher, filling cups with red stuff and gulping it down. Suddenly, one of the people turned around. "Now, what do we have here? A human, perhaps?" I could feel my heart start to beat faster. "Um, sorry, the princess is in another castle, maybe?" The people all started laughing. "No," One of them said, "You've come to the right castle. If you're looking for vampires, that is!" I gulped.

Wait a min is that Twilight?

Wolfie1996 · 2010-01-18 12:44:38

throughthefire wrote:
Then I saw it. A bunch of people

Maybe "it" should be "them"? Also "a bunch" is a bit anti-climatic. Try:
A hoard
A swarm
A small huddle
The room was filled with...
People loitered in the room. Sitting on the benches, leaning on the noticeboard rummaging through the lockers: every way I turned, they were there.

Also, don't put too much action in a first person account. You need more opinions, and a firmer description of the place and the narrator. I would write the prolouge as the first chapter, and lengthen it a considerable bit:

I have seen many things in this life of mine. So many happy memories, yet so many bad. It seems that I'm always in the wrong place, at the wrong time - and it's usually my fault. I'm not well known for a brilliantly descisive mind, yet I still hold on to the few friends that I have. They follow me relentlessly - no matter how big a mess I make of our lives.

We started high school in September, and to tell you the truth, I still get lost in the maze of red-brick buildings. Every classroom looks the same - four walls, thirty seats and a grumpy old teacher at the front. All the teachers here are dull and dusty - grey suits, grey ties, grey jumpers. They're as boring as boring could be, and they're not all that important to this story, so I won't waste my ink telling you about them.

At this time of year, when the freezing rain falls to the ground in thunderous torrents, we get sent to the gym at lunch. Which means about a thousand eleven to sixteen year olds squashing into an already stuffy room, most shouting their heads off. I'm far quieter, myself, and I don't chance my luck with incoming basketballs too often. My descisions were bad before, but I think I out-did myself that once. There's no going back now.

______
Sorry, I started writing and I got really into it lol I like writing a lot. Far too much, actually. It might not make any sense, as it was off the top of my head. tongue

Last edited by Wolfie1996 (2010-01-18 14:14:16)

Mr_X · 2010-01-18 12:46:24

jukyter wrote:
throughthefire wrote:
Well, this is a story that I'll add on to in parts, much like Fallen Stars. Enjoy!

PROLOUGE:
There are many interesting things that have happened in my life. Some were good, some were bad, but the worst thing that happened, is the event that happened on January 18, in school. The decision that I made on that day turned out to be the worst in my life (IF you want to call it that). Here's how it all started:...

CHAPTER 1:
It was a cold, rainy day; much like all the other days in Oregon. Lunch had just gotten out for recess in my school, and that meant being crowded in a stuffy gym with kids screaming and basketballs flying. I started my dreaded march toward the gym when I though of an idea. I thought: "Why not spend recess in the lockeroom, where no one goes during recess?" The teachers weren't looking, so I slipped away and into the lockeroom, just as I had planned. However, I hadn't planned for seeing what was inside the lockeroom...

CHAPTER 2:
Once I entered the lockeroom, I could hear voices further inside. Confused, I crept further inside the lockeroom. Then I saw it. A bunch of people (At least, I thought they were people) were crowded around a pitcher, filling cups with red stuff and gulping it down. Suddenly, one of the people turned around. "Now, what do we have here? A human, perhaps?" I could feel my heart start to beat faster. "Um, sorry, the princess is in another castle, maybe?" The people all started laughing. "No," One of them said, "You've come to the right castle. If you're looking for vampires, that is!" I gulped.
Wait a min is that Twilight?

Lol, that's like an insult

throughthefire · 2010-01-18 22:11:22

jukyter wrote:
throughthefire wrote:
Well, this is a story that I'll add on to in parts, much like Fallen Stars. Enjoy!

PROLOUGE:
There are many interesting things that have happened in my life. Some were good, some were bad, but the worst thing that happened, is the event that happened on January 18, in school. The decision that I made on that day turned out to be the worst in my life (IF you want to call it that). Here's how it all started:...

CHAPTER 1:
It was a cold, rainy day; much like all the other days in Oregon. Lunch had just gotten out for recess in my school, and that meant being crowded in a stuffy gym with kids screaming and basketballs flying. I started my dreaded march toward the gym when I though of an idea. I thought: "Why not spend recess in the lockeroom, where no one goes during recess?" The teachers weren't looking, so I slipped away and into the lockeroom, just as I had planned. However, I hadn't planned for seeing what was inside the lockeroom...

CHAPTER 2:
Once I entered the lockeroom, I could hear voices further inside. Confused, I crept further inside the lockeroom. Then I saw it. A bunch of people (At least, I thought they were people) were crowded around a pitcher, filling cups with red stuff and gulping it down. Suddenly, one of the people turned around. "Now, what do we have here? A human, perhaps?" I could feel my heart start to beat faster. "Um, sorry, the princess is in another castle, maybe?" The people all started laughing. "No," One of them said, "You've come to the right castle. If you're looking for vampires, that is!" I gulped.
Wait a min is that Twilight?

No, it's a lot different. When I get farther in, there will be a lot of instances of completely random humor

throughthefire · 2010-01-18 22:12:41

Wolfie1996 wrote:
throughthefire wrote:
Then I saw it. A bunch of people
Maybe "it" should be "them"? Also "a bunch" is a bit anti-climatic. Try:
A hoard
A swarm
A small huddle
The room was filled with...
People loitered in the room. Sitting on the benches, leaning on the noticeboard rummaging through the lockers: every way I turned, they were there.

Also, don't put too much action in a first person account. You need more opinions, and a firmer description of the place and the narrator. I would write the prolouge as the first chapter, and lengthen it a considerable bit:

I have seen many things in this life of mine. So many happy memories, yet so many bad. It seems that I'm always in the wrong place, at the wrong time - and it's usually my fault. I'm not well known for a brilliantly descisive mind, yet I still hold on to the few friends that I have. They follow me relentlessly - no matter how big a mess I make of our lives.

We started high school in September, and to tell you the truth, I still get lost in the maze of red-brick buildings. Every classroom looks the same - four walls, thirty seats and a grumpy old teacher at the front. All the teachers here are dull and dusty - grey suits, grey ties, grey jumpers. They're as boring as boring could be, and they're not all that important to this story, so I won't waste my ink telling you about them.

At this time of year, when the freezing rain falls to the ground in thunderous torrents, we get sent to the gym at lunch. Which means about a thousand eleven to sixteen year olds squashing into an already stuffy room, most shouting their heads off. I'm far quieter, myself, and I don't chance my luck with incoming basketballs too often. My descisions were bad before, but I think I out-did myself that once. There's no going back now.

______
Sorry, I started writing and I got really into it I like writing a lot. Far too much, actually. It might not make any sense, as it was off the top of my head.

Can I use that in the story?

big-bang · 2010-01-18 22:17:05

jukyter wrote:
throughthefire wrote:
Well, this is a story that I'll add on to in parts, much like Fallen Stars. Enjoy!

PROLOUGE:
There are many interesting things that have happened in my life. Some were good, some were bad, but the worst thing that happened, is the event that happened on January 18, in school. The decision that I made on that day turned out to be the worst in my life (IF you want to call it that). Here's how it all started:...

CHAPTER 1:
It was a cold, rainy day; much like all the other days in Oregon. Lunch had just gotten out for recess in my school, and that meant being crowded in a stuffy gym with kids screaming and basketballs flying. I started my dreaded march toward the gym when I though of an idea. I thought: "Why not spend recess in the lockeroom, where no one goes during recess?" The teachers weren't looking, so I slipped away and into the lockeroom, just as I had planned. However, I hadn't planned for seeing what was inside the lockeroom...

CHAPTER 2:
Once I entered the lockeroom, I could hear voices further inside. Confused, I crept further inside the lockeroom. Then I saw it. A bunch of people (At least, I thought they were people) were crowded around a pitcher, filling cups with red stuff and gulping it down. Suddenly, one of the people turned around. "Now, what do we have here? A human, perhaps?" I could feel my heart start to beat faster. "Um, sorry, the princess is in another castle, maybe?" The people all started laughing. "No," One of them said, "You've come to the right castle. If you're looking for vampires, that is!" I gulped.
Wait a min is that Twilight?

You're not very nice at all. I'm not even that mean when it comes to criticism.

cocoanut · 2010-01-18 22:20:51

big-bang wrote:
jukyter wrote:
throughthefire wrote:
Well, this is a story that I'll add on to in parts, much like Fallen Stars. Enjoy!

PROLOUGE:
There are many interesting things that have happened in my life. Some were good, some were bad, but the worst thing that happened, is the event that happened on January 18, in school. The decision that I made on that day turned out to be the worst in my life (IF you want to call it that). Here's how it all started:...

CHAPTER 1:
It was a cold, rainy day; much like all the other days in Oregon. Lunch had just gotten out for recess in my school, and that meant being crowded in a stuffy gym with kids screaming and basketballs flying. I started my dreaded march toward the gym when I though of an idea. I thought: "Why not spend recess in the lockeroom, where no one goes during recess?" The teachers weren't looking, so I slipped away and into the lockeroom, just as I had planned. However, I hadn't planned for seeing what was inside the lockeroom...

CHAPTER 2:
Once I entered the lockeroom, I could hear voices further inside. Confused, I crept further inside the lockeroom. Then I saw it. A bunch of people (At least, I thought they were people) were crowded around a pitcher, filling cups with red stuff and gulping it down. Suddenly, one of the people turned around. "Now, what do we have here? A human, perhaps?" I could feel my heart start to beat faster. "Um, sorry, the princess is in another castle, maybe?" The people all started laughing. "No," One of them said, "You've come to the right castle. If you're looking for vampires, that is!" I gulped.
Wait a min is that Twilight?
You're not very nice at all. I'm not even that mean when it comes to criticism.

lolxD

half_life_2 · 2010-01-18 22:33:38

dont become a sparkly vampire or i will grow garlic

throughthefire · 2010-01-18 22:35:55

half_life_2 wrote:
dont become a sparkly vampire or i will grow garlic

I won't! I'm not a girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

edit: BTW thanks for all your ideas, people!

Last edited by throughthefire (2010-01-18 22:37:30)

Half-Wolf-Leader · 2010-01-18 22:42:05

throughthefire wrote:
I won't! I'm not a girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Excuse me.

Hah, your princess is in another castle. Nice.

BWOG · 2010-01-19 12:09:54

Very short chapters.

TheSaint · 2010-01-19 15:01:18

MRN, he should not use cliches, such as it changed my life forever. I would, instead, not write it as a reflection, because it becomes confusing on what tense to use the verbs and such. First person is good, as long as you put enough detail.

I agree with cocanut, those are paragraphs, not chapters. A chapter would be anywhere between 2,000-10,000 words, which that is not even close too.

Wolfie1996 · 2010-01-19 15:14:06

throughthefire wrote:
Can I use that in the story?

Sure! I felt like writing fiction yesterday, but Microsoft Word was being s-l-o-w, so I couldn't open any of my previous work. Plus I've not done a dramatic piece in ages smile

Ace-of-Spades · 2010-01-19 16:22:55

Use notepad, it opens up fast and it doesn't open that toolbar every time you copy and paste something, and none of those annoying red lynes all ovar the plase.

Wolfie1996 · 2010-01-19 16:41:04

Ace-of-Spades wrote:
Use notepad, it opens up fast and it doesn't open that toolbar every time you copy and paste something, and none of those annoying red lynes all ovar the plase.

Don't have it. I only got Word a few weeks ago, before, I used Microsoft Works (a little bit of oxymoron humour there lol ) Word Processor. Anyway, my spellings usually pretty good, so I only get the red lines when I invent words/names.

Scratch

archived forums

#1 2010-01-18 00:42:06

How I became a Vampire-An original story by throughthefire

#2 2010-01-18 00:44:44

Re: How I became a Vampire-An original story by throughthefire

#3 2010-01-18 05:11:25

Re: How I became a Vampire-An original story by throughthefire

#4 2010-01-18 05:44:02

Re: How I became a Vampire-An original story by throughthefire

Ace-of-Spades wrote:

#5 2010-01-18 06:29:02

Re: How I became a Vampire-An original story by throughthefire

#6 2010-01-18 09:29:45

Re: How I became a Vampire-An original story by throughthefire

#7 2010-01-18 11:34:09

Re: How I became a Vampire-An original story by throughthefire

#8 2010-01-18 11:49:31

Re: How I became a Vampire-An original story by throughthefire

jukyter wrote:

#9 2010-01-18 12:21:08

Re: How I became a Vampire-An original story by throughthefire

juststickman wrote:

jukyter wrote:

#10 2010-01-18 12:35:20

Re: How I became a Vampire-An original story by throughthefire

#11 2010-01-18 12:42:32

Re: How I became a Vampire-An original story by throughthefire

throughthefire wrote:

#12 2010-01-18 12:44:38

Re: How I became a Vampire-An original story by throughthefire

throughthefire wrote:

#13 2010-01-18 12:46:24

Re: How I became a Vampire-An original story by throughthefire

jukyter wrote:

throughthefire wrote:

#14 2010-01-18 22:11:22

Re: How I became a Vampire-An original story by throughthefire

jukyter wrote:

throughthefire wrote:

#15 2010-01-18 22:12:41

Re: How I became a Vampire-An original story by throughthefire

Wolfie1996 wrote:

throughthefire wrote:

#16 2010-01-18 22:17:05

Re: How I became a Vampire-An original story by throughthefire

jukyter wrote:

throughthefire wrote:

#17 2010-01-18 22:20:51

Re: How I became a Vampire-An original story by throughthefire

big-bang wrote:

jukyter wrote:

throughthefire wrote:

#18 2010-01-18 22:33:38

Re: How I became a Vampire-An original story by throughthefire

#19 2010-01-18 22:35:55

Re: How I became a Vampire-An original story by throughthefire

half_life_2 wrote:

#20 2010-01-18 22:42:05

Re: How I became a Vampire-An original story by throughthefire

throughthefire wrote:

#21 2010-01-19 12:09:54

Re: How I became a Vampire-An original story by throughthefire

#22 2010-01-19 15:01:18

Re: How I became a Vampire-An original story by throughthefire

#23 2010-01-19 15:14:06

Re: How I became a Vampire-An original story by throughthefire

throughthefire wrote:

#24 2010-01-19 16:22:55

Re: How I became a Vampire-An original story by throughthefire

#25 2010-01-19 16:41:04

Re: How I became a Vampire-An original story by throughthefire

Ace-of-Spades wrote:

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