Scratch

Sorry if this is slightly off topic, but this is an essay I wrote last year (for school, actually) and it bears striking resemblance to yours, so, I posted it here:


THE HOLEY BOOK OF
BENISM

   In the beginning, there was nothing.  Then Ben created himself.  He then created the universe in only five, yes, five days.  On the first day, He created the sky.  On the second day, He created the Earth.  On the third day, He created the oceans.  On the fourth day, He created all the animals of the world.  And it was on the very last of the five days, He created the sun and the moon.
   But Ben's work was not yet done.  Ben created a being, unlike the other animals.  Ben named it Adamn.  Ben had tried to create Adamn in His image, but in this process there were a few problems, and Adamn always looked a little odd.  Adamn had red hair, and Ben watched as His disturbed creation tried to dye it green.  But Ben noticed that Adamn was lonely, and since He was a kind and loving God, He chopped off Adamn's head, and using this He formed Adamn's companion:  Mrs. Adamn.  But Adamn, being a jerk, killed Mrs. Adamn with a sharpened animal bone.  Ben knew that to kill with a sharpened animal bone is at the height of evil and sin.  So He punished Adamn by killing him with a sharpened animal bone, and throwing him straight into Hal.
   Using Adamn's carcass, Ben created a civilization.  However, as they were children of Adamn, They had a slight resemblance to him.  Then Ben realized:  They were a tribe of chimpanzees.  But Ben was an all-knowing and powerful God, and there was nothing He could not fix.  So Ben slumbered patiently for a few million years, and when he reawokened, he saw that his tribe of chimps had become a civilization of people.
    However these people displeased Ben, for they did not worship him as their God.  This angered him so that he killed many of those who displeased Him, whether it be with lightning, sicknesses, or sharpened animal bones. He was a cruel and unforgiving God, and still the people of Earth did not worship Him.  Then Ben had a revelation:  The people of earth had no reason to worship Him, as He had not revealed Himself to them.  So Ben wrote a great book, which he called the Book of Benism.  Then he sent it down to his people...
   A great wise man (coincidentally named Ben) went into his house and meditated for many days and many nights.  His neighbors say that they were kept up all night to the sound of his intelligent mind, which hummed loudly.  At last he reawokened from his meditative state, and there in his hands was the Holey Book of Benism, a gift from God.  Then Ben spread the teachings of Benism far and wide.  And Ben, being a kind and forgiving God, rewarded Ben by making him the king of all the humans.
   But Ben, being a cruel and unforgiving God, still killed those who did not worship his almighty power, or King Ben's authority, or broke the Rules of Benism*.  But even this was not enough for the creator of the universe, though.  He took their souls, crushed them in His fist, and threw them straight into Hal, where they would rot and burn forever in eternal torture.  And trust Me, Hal is not a pleasant place to be.


*THE RULES OF BENISM

I.  I am Ben your God.
II.  You shall have no other Gods before me.
III.  Your God is Ben.
IV.  Your Lord Ben is God, and the only God you shall ever know.
V.  Thou shalt not use My name in vain.
VI.  Remember My birthday and keep it special.
VII.  Thou shalt not steal from Me.
VIII.  Thou shalt not murder Me.
IX.  Love thy neighbor who believes in Benism.
X.  Hate thy neighbor who doth not believe in Benism.

Last edited by Bentheneighbor (2009-11-08 10:56:59)

I would probably believe my own memory (which is, in case you didn't know, infinite, boundless, immeasurable, incalculable, incessant, inestimable, inexhaustible and illimitable) rather than a text written on paper from Wal-Mart, that is not even cursive and is written in PENCIL. >.>

MyRedNeptune wrote:

I would probably believe my own memory (which is, in case you didn't know, infinite, boundless, immeasurable, incalculable, incessant, inestimable, inexhaustible and illimitable) rather than a text written on paper from Wal-Mart, that is not even cursive and is written in PENCIL. >.>

Jacoolicus' handwriting wasn't the best, and when he wrote it he used a piece of graphite.

I always learn so many new adjectives from your posts    Thanks!

Last edited by jacool (2009-10-26 03:47:29)

jacool wrote:

MyRedNeptune wrote:

You are lying about me on some parts, but oh well. >.>

I didn't write this o.O
I found it buried in the woods near my house...
I read everything, and followed the instructions on how to become a Jacoolian,
Then I thought that I could use Jacool as my username on internet community's.

I SMELL A MORMOM

MyRedNeptune wrote:

>.>...............

Tell him that Zarathustra blows bubbles in his general direction.

I will xD

You forgot me Jacool. Approximatly 2012 years after Jacoolism was born, Jacoolius decided he needed a way to eternaly punish evil mortals. Thus, steppenwulf invented a little thing called death. Jacoolius aproved of this method of punishment, and nammed steppenwulf the Deathmeister. Now steppenwulf's name strikes fear into the heart of evil mortals, as he drives around earth in his Lamborghini Reventon, looking for mortals to kill.

Last edited by steppenwulf (2009-10-26 13:12:53)

Someone must have torn out one of the pages. MY page.
Heres the story:
Jacoolicus was meditating, when a young girl came to watch. She was curious and started meditating too. She was so consentrated in meditating, that she became surrounded by glowing red lights which spelled out her new name, Samurai768, because she has forgotten her other. These are the pixies of CoolestLand, which crowned her the Goddess of Awesomeness. They taught her the ways of a ninja, how to control the power of pizza, and how to beat people at video games. Jacoolicus was jealous, and destroyed the land. but somewhere, there is an ancient ruin, *Cough, my street,COUGH* and she still practises these acient ritules.

Sadly, the pixies are on vacation to Ohio, but will be back on tuesday next week XD

jacool wrote:

Here's a page from the book, well actually when I found the book this page was ripped out.

I didn't use a scanner and you may want to open this picture in a new tab to see it full-size.

Interesting, it seam smearing coffee on a scrap of paper is supposed to lead me to believe that the scrap is part of a newly found religious document written over 2000 years ago, somewhat strange I’d say.

Last edited by DavidTy (2009-10-26 14:56:55)

nice story you wrote there

DavidTy wrote:

jacool wrote:

I don't know what you're talking about, Jacoolicus wrote this ^^

(By the way if you're making a paper look old use a tea-bag on the paper the use a hair dryer)

Jacool, Jacoolicus it makes no difference to me what you call yourself. You are upsetting MRN with your lies, she obviously dislikes being included in them. You should be ashamed of yourself!

It's just a joke...
And if MyRedNeptune or any of the others mentioned in the text doesn't like it, I'll remove this thread.
And you're making me feel quite bad when you write "You should be ashamed of yourself!"

jacool wrote:

And you're making me feel quite bad when you write "You should be ashamed of yourself!"

As was intended. It's wrong to include others in your "joke" if they do not wish it to be so.

jacool wrote:

I think that depends on what kind of joke it is.

It does not depend on the type of joke, If someone does not wish to be included do not include them.

jacool wrote:

It would be wrong to include someone in a rude joke, for instance:
Lol, Jacool is so ugly, lol, everybody hates him.

That is not a joke, it's an insult.