Scratch
archived forums
#51 2012-09-20 11:58:05
Re: Space Academy!
mythbusteranimator wrote:
calebxy wrote:
mythbusteranimator wrote:
I already gave a review on 3 sites.
3? I only remember 2.
I didn't comment on SN? Oh. Well, two should be good.
Though you never actually gave a "review." You just said something like "That's awesome!"
See the first episode Offline
#52 2012-09-20 12:47:46
- mythbusteranimator
- Scratcher
- Registered: 2012-02-28
- Posts: 1000+
Re: Space Academy!
calebxy wrote:
mythbusteranimator wrote:
calebxy wrote:
3? I only remember 2.
I didn't comment on SN? Oh. Well, two should be good.
Though you never actually gave a "review." You just said something like "That's awesome!"
Then I gave more details, becasue of request.
And do you think I should work more on my sci-fi story? I haven't written in it, but I have some ideas.
Last edited by mythbusteranimator (2012-09-20 12:48:16)
clicky
Offline
#53 2012-09-20 13:28:25
Re: Space Academy!
mythbusteranimator wrote:
calebxy wrote:
mythbusteranimator wrote:
I didn't comment on SN? Oh. Well, two should be good.Though you never actually gave a "review." You just said something like "That's awesome!"
Then I gave more details, becasue of request.
And do you think I should work more on my sci-fi story? I haven't written in it, but I have some ideas.
Oh yes, I remember that.
Sure, if you want to! It would be interesting to read a story by you (with lots of explosions, of course! ), and I could give you some help if you ever need it. 
Offline
#54 2012-09-20 13:43:38
- mythbusteranimator
- Scratcher
- Registered: 2012-02-28
- Posts: 1000+
Re: Space Academy!
calebxy wrote:
mythbusteranimator wrote:
calebxy wrote:
Though you never actually gave a "review." You just said something like "That's awesome!"Then I gave more details, becasue of request.
And do you think I should work more on my sci-fi story? I haven't written in it, but I have some ideas.Oh yes, I remember that.
Sure, if you want to! It would be interesting to read a story by you (with lots of explosions, of course!
Actually, I began writing it 2 years ago, but i had to shorten it and add a stupid ending because the school deadline was a few weeks ahead. So I guess I may write a bit...though I lack a lot of detail generally.
clicky
Offline
#55 2012-09-20 14:02:23
Re: Space Academy!
The dialogue is flat and generic. I don't feel as if I could differentiate between the characters if it didn't say "so-and-so said" right beside it. Your writing style is very formulaic, but you don't really go into detail. i like the idea, but the idea can only contribute so far into the overall story. If you fix these things, i think you could have a real gem on your hands.
Offline
#56 2012-09-20 16:54:55
Re: Space Academy!
black_eye wrote:
The dialogue is flat and generic. I don't feel as if I could differentiate between the characters if it didn't say "so-and-so said" right beside it.
Again, I find it odd that you say that, since other people I've spoke to have said that I'm very good at dialogue, and making my characters sound different.
Also, have you read the whole thing?
Last edited by calebxy (2012-09-20 16:55:22)
Offline
#57 2012-09-21 20:27:50
- bananaman114
- Scratcher
- Registered: 2010-03-15
- Posts: 1000+
Re: Space Academy!
banana500 wrote:
calebxy wrote:
bananaman114 wrote:
Okay I can actually give a possible example of something i would improve.
i need a bit of context for a lazy reader tho..
" William was going to shoot, but then he realized who it was. It was Jacob, who was on the same team as William; the blue team."
before this sentence, have you established Jacob as a character?
have you established that William is on the blue team?No, this is me establishing both.
Some advice for you is that you should let your story flow nicely. Keep it at a better pace. Don't be all like "It was Jacob, who was on the same team as William; the blue team", be like
"William swerved around and fixed his gun on his assailant, but lowered it, seeing who it was. William noticed Jacob's blue uniform insignia, telling him that he was an ally."
That way you can allow yourself to establish new characters in a better way. Also, add a few more descriptions to really allow readers to conjure images of the action in their minds. Assuming that the reader is going to be picturing this in their head while you're writing will lessen the quality of it.
EDIT: I'm reading more of the story now (I'm halfway through Chapter 2), and your vocabulary seems okay, but I still think that you should use a little wider word choice. Also, the characters are a little uninteresting. The dialogues are bland, and I have no idea of their appearance or personality, which really doesn't help when I'm trying to picture this in my mind. Perhaps you should spend some time writing about William's physical appearance and personality. Also, talk a bit more about the settings in the story. I don't know much about the laser tag battle room thingamabob, so perhaps you should add in a few sentences pertaining to the battle room and what it looks like.
I would take it even further then that!
don't make your sentences too long, don't make them too short. "William swerved around and fixed his gun on his assailant, but lowered it, seeing who it was."
that seems a bit uh long to me!
or maybe it's that there is uh
the end of that sentence could be phrased better.
I would have it something like
"William swerved around and fixed his gun on his assailant. His eyes fell to the blue uniform insignia on his (INSERT LOCATION OF INSIGNIA HERE), and he slowly lowered his gun. The boy behind him was Jacob.. (PERHAPS A BRIEF DESCRIPTION HERE?)
your dialogue is a bit bland too
but i haven't read enough to really comment much more then that
the sun still shines
Offline
#58 2012-10-11 14:47:29
Re: Space Academy!
calebxy wrote:
black_eye wrote:
The dialogue is flat and generic. I don't feel as if I could differentiate between the characters if it didn't say "so-and-so said" right beside it.
Again, I find it odd that you say that, since other people I've spoke to have said that I'm very good at dialogue, and making my characters sound different.
Also, have you read the whole thing?
Yes I've read the whole thing, but even though it might be good in some places, there are still many spots in the dialogue where I find that it's just unnecessary or uninteresting. For example, during the phone calls where William calls the girl to ask if she's okay, did you really need to add both of them saying "bye"? Instead of writing out the whole conversation, you could describe what happens in it, like "William showered her with questions until he was sure she was alright, and then they said their goodbyes and hung up" instead of the awkward conversation that took place. If you're not that good at conversations, you can always just describe them. If people say you write dialogue well, maybe you do and you just had an off time while writing this part, I don't know, but most conversations should be left out unless they are important. one line exchanges don't sound as good as you might think in your head. The characters seem to have similar personalities to me because they all use the same tone, no expressive punctuation or dynamic words, and similar expressions. Perhaps you can make one character tell more jokes, make William's speech more informal, reverse that for the more disciplined Military higher-ups, and maybe describe them so the reader can imagine them while they're talking so they're easier to remember.
Offline
#59 2012-10-26 17:53:23
- Ironbizmark
- Scratcher
- Registered: 2012-07-16
- Posts: 100+
Re: Space Academy!
This is awesome! It must have taken a long time to write!
Offline
