Scratch

BLU_Spy wrote:

I think this goes on “Making and Creating“...

That looks pretty good! Are you going to make it a series or just an individual book?

Nice!

I would avoid using the same noun twice in a sentence

but it's pretty good!
reminds me of the Hunger Games.. 

My mom's already posted a book on Amazon for the kindle

soupoftomato wrote:

bananaman114 wrote:

I would avoid using the same noun twice in a sentence

but it's pretty good!
reminds me of the Hunger Games.. 

That is not a good thing. 

Hunger Games has way too many sentence fragments and a threadbare plot.

Finally! Someone who isn't obbsessed with the hunger games! ( No hating to hg fans, it's just the first person i've seen who doesn't particularly like hunger games, i'm like the only person in the school who doesn't)


Also i'm not so sure of the tense    It isn't exactly my cup of tea. I'd prefer : I got out of bed and tiptoed across the floor then : I get out of bed and tiptoe across the floor. That's just personal opinion though.

Sounds like a good book so far 

Last edited by Whisperfur (2012-08-04 07:58:55)

huh, you going to self publish it or submit it and see if it gets published by a big publisher?
oh, also, it's kinda exactly like the hunger games, so you might want to start defining it as a seperate book.

And people, I was writing some stuff in present tense before the hunger games!  (Even tho I was like seven)  Does that make me a hipster?  LOLOLOL

I like it, it sounds interesting. :] Good luck with getting it published, that's my goal, as well. This chapter does remind me a bit of the first chapter of The Hunger Games, as well. x3 The whole "starving girl and her mother and sister who hunts in the forest" thing. I'll be very interested in seeing how your book turns out! :3

fireheartocean wrote:

I like it, it sounds interesting. :] Good luck with getting it published, that's my goal, as well. This chapter does remind me a bit of the first chapter of The Hunger Games, as well. x3 The whole "starving girl and her mother and sister who hunts in the forest" thing. I'll be very interested in seeing how your book turns out! :3

I am posting the next bit of chapter one in this post, and it is no longer hunger games-ish.  Here goes.

  Ever since Timothy gave me the information (rather than fabrics) on where they were, I’ve been planning to catch one.
    I look through the dense trees and find that the sun is quite high in the sky.  It is nearly noon and I’m not even halfway there!  Mother will be worried, I am sure of it.  I pick up my pace to a steady run and I look straight ahead. 
    The snow has long since disappeared and it is getting slightly warmer.  There is a thick fog covering most of the forest.  Through the haze, I notice an owl sitting on one branch of a pine tree, but he is not what I came for.  I figure he may be worth a try at catching.  I swing the net above my head and prepare to throw it.  I feel the wiry ropes rubbing against my fingers painfully.  I have no idea how much longer I can hold the net.  I toss the net towards the branch the small brown owl is sitting on.  The bird takes notice of what is coming for him and darts away before the net lands.
    “Ugh!” I say.  I am very frustrated.  I realize that I need to get my only net out of the tree.  Just perfect.
    I try to find a foothold to climb the tree, but there are none.  I frown and grab the net to pull myself up, for it is firmly stuck in the tree.  As I hoist myself onto the branch, I feel the smaller twigs of the tree scrape against my skin, some of them drawing blood.  I take one of the little weights on the corner of the net and untangle it from the branch.  It seems as if the branch is grasping onto the net with invisible hands.  After at least half an hour of blood, sweat, and tears, I finally have the net out of the tree.
    I look down.  I am at least twenty feet in the air.  Without something to step on, how am I supposed to get down?  I begin to panic.  I feel dizzy and shaky and even a bit frightened.  I guess that the best I can do is leap from the branch and hope for the best.  I look down and swallow.  I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and pray that I will not die.  I pretend I am on the edge of Nana’s pond and jump off the branch.  I suddenly know what people mean when they say that they don’t know how stupid they were until it’s too late.  I am sure I am dead.  I hit the ground with a hard thud and I feel a sharp pain shoot through my left hand.  I shout very loudly and open my eyes.  I see my hand and feel like passing out.  It seems like my wrist is broken.
    I need to do something about it, and quick.  I rip off my jacket and my pale green shirt.  I take my pocketknife and slice the bottom hem off the shirt and tie it around my wrist.  Even though it is immobilized, I still feel like I want to cry.  I try to stand up, but my legs are water.
     I see a pond about ten yards away.  In my condition, though, ten yards is like a marathon.  I try to pull myself together and manage to drag myself over to the glistening water.  As I reach out a hand to touch it, I fall onto my side, for the entire forest around me is spinning.  I silently let out a tear and know that if I stay out here, I may die.  I reach out again and feel the icy water dampening the mud on my hand.  I bring a handful of it up to my mouth.
     I notice my hand shaking.  The sensation spreads to the rest of my body and I am not sure whether it is from fright or from the cold water.  I lean over the pond and only now realize the poor shape I am in.  My face is covered in swollen bleeding scratches from the pine.  My hair is the same unusual shade of brown as the mud on the ground left behind from melted snow.  The only thing that has not changed is my eyes.  They are the same beautiful hazel color as they always have been.  They are filled with tears and ring with sadness, pain, and confusion.
    Why me? I think.  I just wanted to do something good for my family.  And this is what happens?  Why?
    I begin to sob loudly.  My voice echoes through the forest.  The shaking has not stopped.  The world is still rocking back and forth.  I look up.
    I see the birds I am hunting.  I sigh and make another attempt to use my legs.  Still, they are wobbly and certainly not in any shape to be used.  I close my eyes and count to three.
    One.  I slow my breath.  The shaking quietly comes to an end.
    Two.  I embrace the pain in my wrist and on my face rather than try to forget it.
    Three.  I imagine a soothing tune that Ellie would always play on her old, worn radio.  I manage a smile and picture Ellie when she was just four years old.  She is jumping around with a smile, being just as sweet as she ever will be.  I realize that she needs me now as much as she needed me then.
    I stand up.  I am very calm and soothed.  I flick open my eyes.    I see the world is still.  I pick up the net that is now covered in twigs and mud.  I take a step with legs that feel like lead.  I take a deep breath.  I am walking. 
    The birds, falcons, I think, are resting on a boulder.  One of them makes a soft coo.  I grab the net with my good hand and swing it above my head like I did with the owl.  The only difference was that this time, I wouldn’t miss.

PlutoIsHades wrote:

I like it, but I would suggest to try to vary your sentence structure a bit.  It gets a bit annoying: "I know that I need to go," "I try to tell myself that food can wait," "I hear the heater rattle to life."
Remember, show, don't tell.  Instead of simply telling us what's she saying and doing, show it.  Use her actual thoughts.

Ooohhh that's something I forgot to say

zeusking19 wrote:

There is a cool site called lulu that does this    http://www.lulu.com/

yes, I know, but I'll send it to a big publisher first and if that won't work, then I'll try that.  thanks!